It's days like today when I wish one of my Share friends lived close. Because if they did they would understand when I called them and asked them to attend a parade with me because of the anxiousness I felt about going. They would understand the worry I had of going to a parade for the first time in 5 years. The last time I had attended the parade Scott had just died. They would understand when I said that the last time I was at that parade is when the wave of grief hit me. I stood on that sidewalk with my 3 year old son, my husband and just bursts into tears as bands and firetrucks went down the road. The wave enveloped me and it dragged me down and down I stayed for weeks. That 4th of July 5 years ago is when reality hit and my mind finally shred any last bit of denial and realized Scott was dead. He was not coming back.
5 years later my son is part of the Cubscout troop that marches in this same parade...all of June I told myself that I would decide the day of if I went. I would once gently explain to C if I didn't go...but then as the 4th approaches I see my son's excitement, and know once again I have to go to share in his joy while silently be the grieving mom as well. It's what we do...living those two worlds of happiness for your living child but sadness for what your deceased child does not get to experience.
It's hot today one of the hottest days of summer. I was to stand alone on a street and watch for my son and husband and his troop go marching by. Standing alone...too hot for my parents to be out in it liked they planned with their health issues. Friends all having their own plans. How I wish I had just someone to call.It's funny though how the build up, the worry, the anxiousness is sometimes worse then the actual event. Yes I "blew up" at the husband right before leaving the house but it was like the pressure valve being released...it released some of those emotions.
The parade was fine...I wasn't alone I walked with his troop. I watched my son with his big grin as he got to walk proudly as a scout and throw candy. How even when he ran out of candy he still walked proudly never once complaining about the heat. Just happy to be there show that he was a scout.
That is why even when not knowing how it was going to turn out I went...because seeing that smile can always make me smile.
I am glad your son had a good time at the parade and that you were able to attend. Hugs.
HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!
Totally get it:) Oh, the places and things we force ourselves to go and do. I'm glad that you walked in the parade with them. I wish Share ladies were closer too!
Wish i lived closer, as i would have gone with you. Many hugs.
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