I have been missing Scott so much lately...it's those fleeting thoughts you get out of the blue that make you wistful, teary eyed and wishing so badly that things were different. I was driving through a shopping center today after dropping C off at school and passed a lady in her car with a young child in the back. I just thought to myself Scott should be in the back we should be running errands. I should have a little one with me while C is in school. Then I think how we should be going to the tuesday morning story time that C went to from infant to 2. How awesome Miss Debbie is ( and still is I found out after scott passed she lost her daughter) All the things that I don't get to experience with Scott. This weekend C and I went with my parents to Lancaster, Pa. C Xmas present from my parents was a Xmas show and of course we went and saw the trains too. I kept thinking Scott should be here. I don't know if it's the holidays making me miss him even more or what but it's being coming at me full force lately.
I am able to get a baby fix which in a weird way helps me to some extent...my really good friend had a baby last February (I was so thankful it was a girl) and she is my little buddy. She was over the other day and she was so proud to be climbing my stairs and stopping to bend her head to look up at me to make sure I was there and checking out this really cool thing she was doing. Once upstairs she proceeded to try and take my office apart...It's what I would be doing with Scott and when I was following behind her on the stairs I thought to myself, " this should be Scott" but then I told myself at least I get to experience again with someone. My friends baby is who I buy stuff for when I'm in a store and around baby things. it gives me some sort of "fix" to be able to buy a baby item.
I am really sorry that you are having such a difficult time. The holidays can certainly be a very stressful and agonizing time for those of us who have lost a child. There are just so many things we should be doing with our children and we aren't. It's a very hard reality that we can't ignore during the holidays. Plus after a certain amount of time our family and friends expect us to return to "normal" this can add some additional stress. I am glad that you are able to get your baby fix when needed, even though it is bittersweet. Sending you lots of hugs.
This grief thing....it comes in waves...sometimes those waves come fast and furious, and it can be hard to find your footing. I hope that you're able to find a little peace amidst the pain. I know that the holidays are an especially difficult time.
I'm glad that you are able to enjoy your friend's daughter...though I know it must be somewhat painful, it sounds like you really do enjoy being around her.
Hugs to you as you navigate the holidays without your sweet Scott,
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