MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Living my new normal

memories

Every task I do lately I'm hit with a memory of last year. I'm in the kitchen this morning making breakfast when a flood of memories hit me out of the blue...I remember seeing the most beautiful rainbow last year when Scott was a few days old and knowing that was a sign, I just knew that mean he was going to be okay. Then we had a turtle in our backyard that I saw from an upstairs window. ( turtles are my favorite animal) I just knew that was some sort of sign because we live in a house that is no where near woods or water so to see a turtle... I looked for signs everywhere to confirm what I so badly wanted to believe that he was going to be okay. =( Then I remembered as I was eating my breakfast how last year when Scott was a week old I remember looking out the window from the dining table and back to our table and it hit me. It hit me that he was never going to sit at that table. I told Mike I can't picture him in a high chair sitting there. I just no matter how hard I tried I could not in my mind see Scott ever sitting at our dining table. It's funny how your mind starts to "wake up" and see reality for what it is. That is when I started coming out of my denial was that morning. Then since these memories were like a snowball effect I remembered when my second morning in the hospital after giving birth ( my Husband had stayed with me) my husband waking up and sobbing. He just released his emotions and I could not figure out why he was so upset. I know now after the fact that was when he realized that Scott was never coming home. But he being the awesome husband he is he knew that I had to come to that realization on my own so he kept it to himself for a week patiently waiting for me to come to the realization. He knew if he told me that I would adamantly say he was wrong and just battle him over it. Then yesterday I was talking to my neighbor whose adult son had injured himself and they ended up finding a tumor. he is at UMMC where Scott was. I so easily was able to put myself in my neighbors shoes and the hell he is going through of traveling everyday into the city and the worry he has. I could picture the parking garage he was parking in , the walk he was making from the garage to the hosptial, him walking through those front doors. Then later that day I took C to the bookstore because he was so awesome in the craft store while I looked for things. ( really not sure whose child I had with such great listening ears....;p) I'm sitting reading books with him and another memory hits me like a brick and I almost burst into tears. Scott once again was coming up on his 1 week mark and we had just taken C for his 3 yr checkup and went to the bookstore. I had seen the day before Scott open his eyes for the first time so I knew even more he was going to be well. So I remember picking out a book for him and that's when c picked out pb bear. I just miss Scott and as it gets closer to his birthday I know I'm going to miss him more. Yesterday I swear my arms were aching just from wanting to hold him again.

  • Girl.....keep those memories coming!  Sometimes even the ones that make you cry are so sweet.  In three weeks, it will be 10 years.  As I went for a drs. appt. in the screening center at the hospital that my girls were born in, I remembered the scent that I associate with my girls....the soap that I washed up with for so long.  Yep....so missed and so loved every single day!

    Hugs,

    Tracy

  • Here lately I too have been flooded with all sorts of memories from my loss of my son. Though our stories are different I completely feel your pain. But like Tracy said keep them coming. In the mist of the heavy ache they bring & breath crushing blows I find myself thankful that I still can remember them. Because as sad as it sounds those memories right now are all we have next to the support we are lucky to have & or find in others that share the same feelings in a precious child gone far too soon. Be gentle with yourself.

    Hugs Naul's mom

  • Each year I tell my husband how strange it is that I can literally relive an entire week of my live. Every waking moment down to the smells. I know that it will be like this for the rest of my life. Half the time I can't remember what I had for breakfast but come the end of October every year the flashbacks come. They can drop you to your knees.

    I think that Tracy is right though. We do need to hold onto them because they really are all that we have. They are bittersweet. Painful yet comforting, as fleeting as they are, they are proof that our little ones were with us, even if it was for a very short period of time. Hugs to you this week.

    Jami