I have come to a realization over the past week that I"m not handling C being in Kindergarten as well as I thought I was. I came back from Shareunion in quite the "funk" and just feeling like I do during the month of June( which is my bad month since it is the month Scott was born, decisions were made, and he passed.) I wasn't eating, all I wanted to do was sleep, being irratible and very non social. I realized that what I had been doing for the 3 weeks school has been in session is just keeping myself really busy so I wouldn't think about it. The more I reflect on all this the more I realize that I am so afraid of sinking back into the blackhole of depression that I was in two years ago that I'm afraid to feel the sadness. So when I got back from my trip and nothing immediate on the calendar it all started creeping in. I hate C being in school. I miss him. On more than one occasion I have been driving past his school and wanting to stop and sign him out bring him home. I hate how quiet my house is during the day, I hate that I'm not getting the special one on one time I should be with Scott while C is in school. .
It's just so much that seems to be going through my head right now with an empty house during the day, watching C have to learn his new routines in school and watching how they just seem to overwhelm the little guys. I won't start my rant on all the homework he has in Kindergarten. ( which started the week after Shareunion) I was so overwhelmed Friday with all the writing papers he came home with and all the notes of how he needs to finish it at home it made me want to cry and I realized if I feel this way how it must make him feel.
There is also the anger I have been having lately of not being able to freely share that I have another son. I hate that I have a split second when asked the how many kids question on how to answer. and if I say yes that it will most likely cause an awkward situation. I just don't like knowing that because my child is dead I can't share him with everyone. I sit at PTA meetings where they start every meeting with say your name and who your children are. So we hear about the children in school and the younger ones at home. and all I can think to myself is I could share Scott and say I have a Kindergartener and a child who would have been two. But I also know that if I do it would be like dropping a bomb in the center of that room. So of course I always just say I have a kindergartner. It's just something that has been not sitting well with me lately always having to choose when to share Scott.
A lot of emotions and lot of knowing that all these first I am experiencing with C I don't get to experience again. That when moms say once the second starts school it's so much easier...i don't get to find that out.
So I have decided it was time to go back and see my therapist to talk through it all. I go this week and I'm not hating that I have to go back I actually want to be able to sit for an hour and just talk about it and get it out of my system. Start adjusting the new change in my life.
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope sitting out and talking through everything will help you adjust to this new change. I wish I could give you a huge hug!
I know the emptiness you're talking about and how difficult it is to overcome that thoughts that things should be so very different. I hope that counseling will help you sort it out and get whatever perspective it is to bring you some peace.
Homework in kindergarten makes me sick. Hugs to you and C as you battle through.
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