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This time of year is when I start projecting more on what it would be like if Scott were here, and remembering in detail what life was like 3 years ago....It's that Anniversary time even though I hate that word. I look at Anniversary's as something joyful and there is nothing joyful about June 2012. C will be 7 on June 2...7! Overnight he has went from a little boy to just boy. He has the gross boy humor, he is being a dare devil ( I see an Er visit in our future) and is just now a kid. I love watching him grow, I love seeing what he is capable of, and how smart he is. But I also miss him being little. Especially since I don't get that chance again with another child. He loves hearing about things he did when he was a baby/toddler. Although I love sharing the stories with him and watching him laugh and smile. It also stings a little because I will never get that again. I never got that with Scott. I sometimes wonder if I knew I had only one shot at raising a child would I have enjoyed Colin has a baby more? Would I have appreciated it more? Yet I know that I did all those things and that I did a lot with him. Just another way to get in my head I think and bring myself down.
My anxiety has been getting the best of me lately...especially yesterday. I know once again it's just because of that time of year. When Scott died I have become very protective of those I love. and in my head I protect them by worrying about them. I sometimes get afraid to say today's going to be a good day because I think that once I say it something will happen. What power I must have to to be able to cause bad things to happen just because I allow myself to be happy and admit it....I know it's not "healthy" and I have had many conversations with the counselor about it. But its just the way it is for me. Once your world gets turned on it's head it's hard to allow yourself to be truly happy because you just want to be prepared for if/when it happens again. I don't want to be blindsided again so I prepare myself for the worst by worrying. Even though I know if something bad happens you can't prepare for it and it's still going to be devastating. My husband has a job that keeps him quite busy and out and about a lot. There are many times that I don't know what he's up too and don't here from him during the day. He is very good about checking in when he is able. Yesterday we enjoyed the sun we haven't seen him much lately around here. I realized coming home from our outing at dinner time I hadn't heard from my husband. My anxiety kicked in and I started becoming a mess. Turns out hubby had been back at his office for over an hour by that time and he had called our home and realized we were out and didn't want to bother us. I told him to please text, quick call next time. He gets it...thankfully.
To add to all this there is more inlaw drama...I can deal with stuff any time of the year. There is just one month during the year I want to be left alone to lick my wounds...and of course the drama has to start now...
So I just feel like I am mentally suiting up in my protective armor to get through the next few weeks. The only bright spots are my husbands and C birthday the first 2 days of June and my vacation that last week of June. I feel like if we can get to June 20 and have nothing get in the way of our vacation we will be set....
Thinking of you during this month! My little boy is also turning 7 this summer....can't believe it! I can still remember him as the 2 year old in the hospital when we were saying goodbye to his brother. Glad you have a vacation set up for the last week in June to look forward to!
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