Share Your Story

I have been reflecting a lot lately on how my life as change and how far I have come in a year.   It's so hard for me to realize that it's been a year now since our lives changed forever it doesn't seem like it's been that long.    When I finally allowed myself to start grieving I fell to a tiny million pieces.  I completely shattered.    I remember we were at the beach my husband having gotten us away just the 3 of us for a week to try and heal and escape.  My husband had to force me out of bed every morning and I was just so out of it.  Unable to function and it was extreme effort to do anything.  We got home and my husband had to go back to work.  I got out of bed for one reason every morning because I had to make my son's breakfast.  I had to feed him.  That got me out of bed the rest of the day was always me lying on the couch watching him play, or driving to my parents house and letting my mom entertain him while I laid on their sun porch.  Eventually we would walk around the neighborhood visiting family that lived nearby. ( we have family all over this town we live!)  and just sitting in their house and talking to them and escaping my life and trying to find any comfort I could.  Every night I would read.  I would read mindless books and escape into the characters lives.   Eventually I started coming around and we started attending playgroups etc.  Most of the time I felt like an imposter trapped in my body.  I looked like the "normal" Nicki but inside I was empty just trying to get through my day.  Each day started getting better and better and once we survived the holidays I felt like I was finally getting into a good place.   But it was  a journey and a really hard one.  Therapy helped, my family/friends helped, and my determination to be the mom my oldest son needed and deserved.   I hate that he saw me like that and that I wasn't a better mom to him during that summer.  But I also know that I needed to hit rock bottom so that I could begin to heal.  Also I tell myself my son saw that I am human and that we sometimes have bad times.  So maybe he possibly saw/learned a life lesson?  or maybe he was too young...who knows.

So why all these ramblings of my mental state a year ago.  I have a friend and I won't go into to much detail because one it's her story to share and maybe one day she will share it  if she chooses.  But she lost her precious baby recently.  I was making her dinner the other night when it hit me.  It was exactly a year ago that I was still trying to get my self together.  Now here I am helping a friend.  If anyone last year would have told me I would have been making dinner for anyone or doing anything that normal I would have laughed in their face.  Yet here I am.    So I guess we do endure and time does help.  That we learn ways to cope and live without our little angels with us.  I think I'm also looking back and reflecting with the Share weekend coming up because never in a million years did I think I would be making such a huge step out of my comfort zone by going.  I also reflect because I find myself finding things for me like taking a writing class.  I also find that I'm excited this year for Thanksgiving &Christmas. 

 I will also say  that I am so darn proud of myself!  My husband tells me now that he wasn't sure if he was ever "getting me back".  Quite frankly I wasn't sure at one point myself.  It's hard and I miss my Scott  and what could of been.  But I started healing for my oldest son and then I started doing it for me too.  I realize I can miss Scott and still live my life.   some days are way easier than others but here I am and I'm still going.  I never knew I could possibly be this strong yet I found strength within me that I didn't know existed.