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I find myself as the week goes on retreating into my "shell"  Limiting contact with people except for close family and posting funny messages of things C has done on facebook.  I just feel like no one truly gets it except for people on Share so I'm just going into the shell.   I know that I have friends and family who care and remember and would listen but quite frankly they just don't get it.  They can't even fathom how my heart aches and the pain I feel.  They try to understand but it's not the same.  I just want to be left alone.  Rude maybe but it's also how I protect myself.  If let someone in it may bring all that sadness, anger back that I worked so hard to get over the past year and I can't start over.  so it's just easier to not to be social right now.

Tomorrow Scott would have been 2.  I wonder what he would have been like.  I wonder what his birthday dinner would have been, his theme for his birthday party.  How broke we would have been buying presents for both boysand throwing two parties.   The little things are bothering me this week that usually I can just move past.  Tonight was my aunt's birthday and as we sung happy birthday to her I thought we should be singing this tomorrow...We were playing the game trouble tonight you can have 4 players so of course C is asking who is going to be the color  red the only color left.  I say it doesn't matter heis  saying someone needs to be...I just quietly and firmly said enough.  I couldn' think that we would have had a 4 players not that a new 2 year old really would have been playing trouble...

I've become a night owl again not sleeping just staying up late.  I thought last night that it was Colin's actual due date which was also my husband's grandma's birthday.  It brought me a brief happy memory.  She was so excited to hear we were pregnant with Colin.  The only one in my husband's family excited.  It was to be her first great grandchild and when she heard the news and that he was due on her birthday.  She told us, " I have to hang up now so i can spread the happy news."  I know everyone heard that day from her friends, to the mailman and cashier at the grocery store. Knowing her she was stopping people on the street and telling them.  When she found out that we were having a boy how even more excited she was that her only grandson was giving her a great grandson.  She never got to meet C she got ill and passed two months before he was born.  But I thought last night that she is with Scott and having a grand ol' time.  At least I hope...

I've come to accept this is my time of year were I will always just be sad, and wistful at what could have been.  A family friend she lost her daughter when she was 20.  She always  retreated into herself during the month her daughter passed.  I get it now and get why she does.  Wish no one had to get it but here we are...