I looked into Scott's memory box today. It was with mixed emotions that I did it. Would I be happy to see his things, sad, would it devastate me and put me back into the black hole of grief? It was heartwarming and it was sad. I got to be with Scott again holding these items, some that I had forgotten about. Some that I didn't even know where there. There is a card signed by all his nurses with messages. There is the card I made him that reads, "happy one week birthday!" my world fell apart the day after I made it. I stopped being in denial and finally saw what the fate of my baby was. It's the only birthday card Scott ever got. When I was in labor with Scott I planned a huge birthday party for him in my head while waiting his delivery. As the days went on and he was in the NICU the party grew and grew in my head. We were going to invite everyone, his family, his nurses/doctors. It was going to be quite the bash had too after everything he did to enter this world. Only seemed fitting. Funny how I remember that by opening a box.
The box is nice I'm not sure if the hospital provided it or the organization," Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" whoever provides them it's a nice thing they do. There is a card from one of his nurses with two worry stones shaped like hearts. Scott touched a lot of hearts in the hospital and it's even more evident now with the messages that are in his box from the nurses. Our family touched their hearts too from what I read. That's comforting. I think they to didn't understand why such a good loving family was being put through this hell.
There is a book where I can write my thoughts with quotes on every page. Those quotes will be my next post. I could just own a book with those quotes. I thought when reading it this was written for me...then I realized it was written for a lot of strong women I know here on Share.
Scott's hand prints and footprints are in there along with his Cast made of his hand and foot. His only outfit he ever wore is in there. It's an ugly outfit some generic blue and brown striped onsesie with a generic cartoon giraffe. They used it to take pictures of him when the Organization that does free photos came to do photos. Know I what wish when I see this outfit? That my 3 year later self could go back and tell the then self to find a cute outfit to put on him to get pictures. That I would have hated it then, it would have made me super sad. So sad that I couldn't really bare it but 3 years later I would have loved those photos of him in that little outfit. I would have liked seeing it in the box of memories. But you don't know these things when tragic life events happen you just have to muddle through as best you can. and live with the ugly striped outfit. What I do like about the outfit is the smell...it smells like the hospital, the NICU. Not a smell most people want to smell but that is what I smelled every time I visited Scott. That smell is Scott brings back a flood of memories. horrible memories, sad memories, good ones too. The NICU was Scott's home and that's where I talked to him, held him, loved him.
His name tag was in there. I mentioned before in a post how I showed up his first day in his new hospital, new NICU after being transferred. and they were calling him baby BOY Miller. That pissed me off I was ready to start on a rampage. That in my opinion made it seem like I did not care enough about my son to give him a name and an identity. and he HAD a name. I made sure they knew he had a name. I was told the night nurse would make a namecard. She did and I went in the next day and it was a cool special name card. written with care using blue markers and special touches. Now everyone new my son had a name and would call him by it. I saw it in the box and knew instantly I wanted to frame it. So I am. But I need to give my husband time first to look in the box before I start framing things it's only fair.
Another special thing was in the box the only Father's day card my husband ever got from Scott. We made decisions to take Scott off of life support on Father's Day. Really when we went in that day we weren't even thinking it was Father's Day we were too preoccupied with what we were about to do. He had a sign on his bed that ready Happy Father's day with his footprint. I tried so hard to shield my husband from seeing it knowing how it would make him even sadder. I look back and now I think wow Scott had great care, great nurses. They took the time to make a card even though they knew that Scott was dying. Even though he was in a private room. They moved him to a private room when we said we were ready to make our decisions. So we could have private time with him. But in the nurses eyes Scott was still someone, was still here and they did for him what they did for all the other babies. When your baby is dying it's comforting to know that he still "counts' in peoples eyes. It's comforting after the fact when your start your journey through grief and know that isn't the case with everyone in your life. It' validates his existence for you and that he was here.
My SIL is a graphic artist and had made birth announcements for Scott I never got to hand them out. I gave them to my mom and told her to trash them, burn them I don't care just get rid of them. Lately I have thought about those announcements. Wish I still had at least one. Wishing I would have sent them out. why not he was born and was here 14 days. There is an announcement in his box. There are a few. My family, my mom is cool like that. They knew me and knew one day I would want to have one.
One more thing in the box a cd from the hospital he was born. labeled with his name, his stats. I popped it into my computer. it's an MRI of his brain. I have 155 pictures of Scott's brain but only about 30 photos of him. That sucks but that is, was, will always be our reality. Only a few precious photos of our son. But tons of medical documentation. The hospital tried so hard to find answers, to find a way to heal him.
That is Scott's box. Know what? I like his box. yes it made me cry but it's like being with him one last time. It brought back memories that now get shoved way back into my brain. Got me thinking about my special little guy.
I randomly find myself going through Trinity's box. Although I know it makes me cry I know that I am hold all of HER things. There isn't much but they are hers and when I go through them I feel closer to her. Hugs to you dear friend!
It took me two whole years to go through Arianna's memory box and I have only done it twice in almost 7 years. Each time I find things in there I didn't know existed, and it's almost like I get a new memory.
I'm gad that you were able to be with Scott again, even if it was only for a moment. I'm glad you got to smell "his" smell again and hold his outfit, even if it is ugly. I hope that it brought you a little closer to Scott, even if just for a moment. Sending hugs.
I usually open Tristan and Gunnar's memory box on their birthdays. I didn't last two years because I was too sad about the divorce. I would like to now that you share your beautiful memories of Scott. Thank you for sharing them. I look forward to reading your next post with the quotes.
Thank you for sharing what is in Scott's box. I feel like I was right there while you were going through it. Sounds like there are tons of memories with all those special items in there. He does sound like a special little guy.
Most of the time those boxes come from other angel moms. It's our way of changing the journey one person at a time. For the first 3 years of grief I did this twice a year. As my life has gotten busier I've had less time. What I typically did was purchase books from Stephanie Cole "Still". I would get them from the publisher and they're cheaper that way. Put a book plate (sticker) inside to remember Jacoby and then take the books to the local hospital. This is how Marissa and I became friends. She reached out to Stephanie and then Stephanie reached out to the loss community. I connected with Marissa (I was now in Virginia) she was in Indiana. We became instant friends with an inexplicable connection. Memory boxes are a gift to us that at the beginning we resent, we're empty, our arms are empty, the box is a reminder of what we don't have. Then as time goes on we become thankful for what little we do have in that box. My memory box was very small- almost the size of a 4 inch bible. I was angry that I had this tiny box, a tiny baby that had died and nothing else. Now I have that box put away in a safe place. It's precious to me. I thought I might want to take it out this year and go thru it. But I have not. I am so glad you got to enjoy your box and that it gave you some special time with Scott!
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