I got through another June 19. It turned out to be a decent day. I kept busy and that helped. Before bed last night I decided to post a facebook message about June 19. After posting it I kinda regretted it. Let's face it facebook is the lets share our happy, perfect lives. No one ever really shares what is really going on especially when it talks about death of a child and planning funerals. Maybe I posted because of that because I wanted to be contrary and say all lives aren't perfect lets stop pretending. Maybe I did it to tell everyone that I still grieve 3 years later. Not sure really why I did it but I did. I woke up to a lot of comments. I felt uncomfortable at first. I felt uncomfortable because now and 3 years ago I have only shared my true feelings to very close knit of people. I had a caring bridge site we posted info about Scott. but we never really shared the nitty gritty those true feelings. We kept Scott's funeral small. I live in the town I grew up. My entire family works for the community in some way. If we would have had a viewing or a publicized funeral it would have been a lot of people. People coming to share their love and kindness. I couldn't handle that at the time I was barely holding it together and that would have been too overwhelming. So maybe that's what my facebook post was about last night finally letting people in and showing them what it was really like. Not really sure why I did it...and I know I'm rambling.
But I know one thing from my post I have a lot of people in my life who love and support us. The kind messages I got. My aunt called me and left a message telling me how strong I am and how my post was so heartfelt and has she is saying this she is crying. I ran into my neighbor growing up in the store and she is hugging me and crying. her daughter died in a car accident when she was in her late teens. She was telling me how strong I am. I simply told her on of my favorite quotes, " You don't know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have." She told me she liked that she is going to remember that. I never understood in highschool, and college why this neighbor always had that sadness to her eyes, and just seemed out of it. I get it now.
I have friends who took me to breakfast and one of them brought butterflies to color. so we sat like 4 kids coloring away while we waited for our food. They toasted Scott.
and I realize this is how, this why I am able to get through each day, get through days like today. Yes it is the strength I found but it's also because of the love and support I have. the support I have on here.
Yet in the same instance I feel bad for my husband because nothing he gets from his family. No one bothers to say how are you. I'm thinking of you. and it's sad and I hurt for him.
We let C choose takeout for dinner and a movie since it was his official last day as a kindergartener. Which was also hard this day signifies a lot of last for me so to have a milestone for C happen on this day, I really wasn't a fan. C picked out the movie, "Alexander and the no good horrible bad day." Such an appropriate movie for today. We all really enjoyed watching it and in the end they made something good from their horrible day. and it was just so appropriate since I made something good from this day. and I try to do positve good things in memory of Scott. So a very appropriate choice of movie for tonight.
One last thing I was sitting at the pool today when Scott visited. Scott visits me in the form of white butterflies. One flew very close as they always do. I always smile and I always whisper, " HI Scott" when they come. I started seeing them a few days after his funereal and the first one was when I was sitting on the porch just feeling very sad when one just came flew so close it almost touched my cheek. Ever since they have visited. One even came the day of his funeral we were at the cemetery and it landed on the flowers sitting on top the casket.
What a beautiful day filled with Scott and his memory. I love those who love our children and lean into all the hurt that we have and stay. They make this journey bearable. And I love that that very special butterfly visited. I too say "Hello" when those little winks appear. Some bonds can never be broken.
Hugs and love to you, Nicole. I saw your FB post -- and the incredible strength that you've gained because Scott is, was and always will be in your life. Those little reminders that our angels are with us give us pause -- and make us realize they will find ways to let us know they are still here.
Hugs and love, Nicole.
Sounds like a special day. That's great that you were able to gather the strength to post about Scott and feel the love and support from friends and family.
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