So I don't know if I can articulate this well...but will try. I had the opportunity to go on an amazing vacation last week with my family. As you all know June is my bad month. We had the opportunity to leave on a Saturday or Sunday for our trip but we chose Monday so that we wouldn't be traveling during the worst day of the month for us. I had so much anxiety that weekend it was almost crippling...I haven't been that bad in a long time. I'm not sure why it hit so hard this year maybe because I was about to travel, maybe it was combined with the fact that my son officially became a 2nd grader. ( which is also hard for me to swallow) I don't know but it was bad. But I got through it.
Now to the reason for this post...I enjoyed my vacation for a multitude of reasons relaxing, enjoying time with my family ( we unplugged the whole week!) but I also like it because on this vacation on a Carribean island no one knew my story...I was just Nicki kinda like the old Nicki for a week...I didn't have that added label of grieving mom, the mom who had a child died. Now here is the thing I liked it...it was just nice for an entire week to be someone other than a grieving mom. It's not that I didn't think about Scott. I thought about him a lot we even visited a butterfly garden where I just sat on a bench and thought this is the only way I get to vacation with you is by coming here.
Maybe I should feel guilt for finding enjoyment of just being me...Maybe it's okay I don't know. I spend so much of my time, energy, life making sure Scott is remembered, volunteering with the MOD I guess it was just nice to take a break. Not have people checking in on me asking how I am, especially during the month of June. Don't get me wrong I love my family and friends. I love how they check in on me during June let me know they are there. It was just nice to do something different.
I am home now and I"m still taking a bit of a break. I'm not ready to put my Scott necklace back on not sure why. I think I am still working through some of the anxiety from before I left. I am also trying to adapt to our summer schedule. I need business and schedules to survive. Down time does not work for me or at least not a lot of it. So once I get into the groove of summer I know I will be back on track. Ready to be the new me I became 4 years ago...but for now I"m just hanging back and getting myself on track.
I loved seeing your pictures on FB from your vacation. It looks like all of you had some much needed fun, rest and relaxation.
There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about taking a break from "doing" where our angels are concerned. It doesn't mean we've forgotten them -- it means we are living life the way they would want us to, and taking time for ourselves. I've found in my own life that just as I can't devote all of my time and energy to my girls, that I can't devote all of my time and energy to my angels. Because if I do, then there's no "me."
Take a breath and take things slow. You'll find the groove that works for you.
Hugs and love.
I am so glad you enjoyed your vacation! I completely get what you're saying- No matter what, we will never forget our babies, or what their short lives did for us. Sometimes, its nice to remember who we use to be, and maybe even keep a bit of with us along the way. I too like to be busy, even if its just around the house, laundry, garden etc, so that I have a constant purpose.
Love and Hugs
A belated birthday wish to Scott. It's been in the past year that I've taken Akeelah's necklace off- replaced it with others that remind me of her, but aren't her handprint. Like you it's been a big step- and it's hard to put a finger on but it feels... good? light? I'm not quite sure, but I understand what you mean.
Lauren your comment made me feel more at peace. I have not worn Scott's footprint necklace since the beginning of June. I have been wearing some of my other jewelry I have and it just feels right to me. I know that I won't not ever wear it again but I have finally given myself permission to not always feel I have to wear it.
I'm glad that you all had a nice vacation and made some new memories on an island:) Very cool! You know, our angels are always on our minds. We carry so much on our shoulders, it's okay to give the necklace a break. I have an angel wing necklace for N and I don't wear it everyday. I used to and now I tend to wear it when I want/need to feel closer to him. Giving yourself permission is huge:)
Yes, it's so powerful when we give ourselves permission to let go of some things... and peaceful to know that even after we loosin that grip - the love still stays. It was never tied to a necklace- even though sometimes it felt/feels that way. Right there with ya mama.
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