Tonight we dug out our wedding video to show C what a ringbearer does since he is going to be one in the fall in my brother's wedding. He was asking a ton of questions so we thought it would be easier just to show him. Mike also found some dvd's of Colin as a baby we showed him. How bittersweet it was to watch them. It helped with the mom guilt because I always wonder did I do enough with C when he was a baby did I hold him enough. But the videos reminded me of all the things we did do with him and reminded me that he didn't like being held a lot he was happier laying on the floor rolling around, scooting, and kicking his feet. But I also found that as I watched them I started inserting Scott in as the baby. Started thinking what if this was video of Scott? At some points I was wishing so hard it was that I almost thought it was him instead of Colin. Which gives me a very empty feeling because it wasn't him, it could have never been him. And also because I wasn't fulling enjoying it as it being my precious C and his wonderful baby years and those good memories. It just stinks that this is my reality and the emotions I have to deal with. We were so happy in those videos. So proud. and I wonder am I that happy now? I don't think I am. I have found happiness and find joy in things but I don't think it will ever be on the level it was before Scott. and it makes me sad to realize that there will always been some sadness in me because Scott isn't here. and oh how my arms ached and wished it could hold a baby, do all those firsts we saw in the video.
No words, just love.
ah the "pursuit of happiness" is a hard topic for many of us Angel moms, and in general I think for everyone it is, as I read somewhere pursuit of happiness has not happiness as a goal, but is a way or a path in life... I have come to "enjoy" those little happy moments is fulfilling and I am trying so hard to make as many as I can, for me and for my kids... but always the "what if" life glimpses are sad and hard .
Sending you a big hug
P.S. my kids love to watch old DVDs or photos together, I hope Colin enjoyed that moment with you.
I get this completely. I know that there is joy and happiness in my life but I don't think it is the same carefree and oblivious happiness it was before Arianna died. I also think that the her death distorts my memories of the past. I look at the old me and can't help but pity me for my ignorance yet at the same time I so desperately want to be her again. I hope that makes sense.
I promise you that you aren't the only loss mom who has wished a memory was that of her dead child instead of her living one. I think many of us wish for just one memory that isn't also filled with pain. Sending you hugs as you begin yet another chapter in the book of the new normal.
Hello, thinking of you and the roller coaster of emotions that we go through. I know what you mean, sometimes I look at my two boys and am filled with sadness thinking of how their brother isn't here. Or get angry thinking of daily typical things they go through that Sean never got to experience. Thinking of you!
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