MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Living my new normal

The film reel

It's now a week away from C birthday(4), the husband's birthday and the day when our new normal started and we would have been celebrating Scott's first birthday. When I was in my denial and had decided in my head that he would come home and be okay I was already planning this huge first bday party we would give him. Well has it get's closer I find myself without puting any effort or thought remembering my entire life and what it was like the week before everything happened last year with a clarity I never knew possible. ( especially since I have mommy brain and can't remember anything anymore) I will be doing the simplest task and be able to remember what or how I was doing that task last year. I put on my robe now and remember how I could not tie it this time last year. I can remember life in the NICU and every little detail now. I was in yoga and during meditation I remembered my time in the hospital leading up to his birth and then labor/delivery. It was so clear and so fresh it's like it happened yesterday and not a year ago. One of the things we learned in therapy is not to project. Not to think what Scott would look like, be doing etc. All it will do is bring us down more. I have been good about not doing it or if I start pushing it away. Now it's constant and keeps popping in my head more than every. The anxiety is starting but coming out in other ways as it usually does for me. Since I won't let myself be depressed/sad my mind plays games in other ways. But something good is coming in a week and I have something to keep me busy/focused. C turns four. I don't like he's turning 4 but I accepted it's going to happen so we are throwing him a party and it's going to be fun and maybe just a little over the top? But we don't care because his life change too the day after he turned 3. So we'll see how things go as it gets closer to Scott's birthday on June 5...For those mommies who already have been through the "first year" am I too ambitous to think we can do a family outing to the zoo. That is our plan to get out of the house and take the train to D.C. C has been asking to go to the zoo and we had decided ages ago that he would pick every year what we did on Scott's birthday. That it will always be day that we do something as a family. As I typed this another memory popped out of peanut butter the bear. C picked out a little bear at the book store and named him Peanut Butter when Scott was a week old and gave it to his brother. The nurses would make sure he always had it and we would show up usually seeing it under Scott's arm. This is what I mean I can be doing anything now and just a new memory will pop in my head. Our therapist told us expect it to be hard from now till July. That once July comes things should be better. I just really hate that it all happened in June since it used to be such a happy month with the birth of C 4 years ago. and if it was going to why so close to C birthday. The due date was June 26 why couldn't happen later in the month?

  • I have tears as I gaze upon your sweet Scott and that precious Peanut Butter bear.  Your son is so beautiful and I'm so glad that you have these photos.  The first angelversary was very difficult as I was still playing it all moment by moment in my head, the days leading up to our loss.  My therapist told me the same thing.  I felt relief when it finally came and every year since, we try to do something as a family on that day.

    I love your plans for the Zoo:)  This is a huge step.  It could be challenging as there obviously will be families, but you can decide to make those left and right turns . . . oops got to make a quick turn to see the zebras.  C might say, "But mommy you said elephants."  "ZEBRAS!"  I use humor to get through most days.

    Happy 4th Birthday to your son C!  It's so okay to be over the top.  I'll be thinking about you and your sweet Scott in the days and weeks ahead.

    All my best,

    Lindsay

  • Hello,

    I read your blog, and I can remember being annoyed with those kinds of things too. The shirts, the decals... Heck, I'm still annoyed. And it will be 3 years on June 7 since I lost Lawrence. I still have the random memories too, right around the time that he was born and died. So you're not alone with that.

    I don't think you're being too ambitious with wanting to go to the zoo. Why don't you let yourself feel sad when it happens? I know no one WANTS to feel sad, but does it ever help a bit if you just have a good cry?

    I know everyone is different though, so I don't want to tell you how to grieve. I just have anxiety too, to the point where I'm taking medication for it now. And I still have times where I just need to let myself be sad.

    But I do hope you have a fun visit to the zoo, and a peaceful June 3 Nothing wrong with being happy.

    Erin P

  • I think that the days leading up the the actual day itself are the worst (aka "The storm"). The day her day in my case is actually rather peaceful and calm. There is no crying usually except maybe at night when the day is over. We are usually together as a family and I don't typically take to many calls or texts except from my Share friends so I think that a day at the zoo seems like a good day. Maybe don't tell C about the plans though just in case you wake up that morning and just don't quite feel up to it though. Like Erin said everyone does grieve differently. I will be thinking of you over the next few weeks.

    Hugs,

    Jami