I was saved the pain from having to go through and get rid of the baby items. When I was in the hospital making the worst decision of my life my family went into my house and cleared it of all traces of baby items/clothes. They knew that was what was best for me and that is what I would have wanted. How they did it so quickly still baffles me but they did. Then when it came time to sell it at a consignment sale my mom, SIL, and friend sat all day and priced the items and my brother and dad drove the items to the sale. If I would have had to do any of that it would have probably pushed me too much over the "edge" and I was already well over it and barely keeping the strands of sanity together...
So of course last night what do I dream? That I am sorting through all the baby clothes. That I was opening the drawers to the furniture ( which were the ones in the nursery) to find Colin a shirt and I found all the newborn items. the worst part is the clothes in this dream were ones that I had and so I'm looking at these prints, the sayings on the shirts and just crying my eyes. Why do our minds have to do this to us especially when we are at our most vulnerable sleeping? It seems as it gets closer to June I'm going to start having all these moments as I did last year....I guess I should just come to expect it at this point.
*sigh* I wish I could tell you that each year it will get easier but I am not sure if that is true. It has been five years for us and still each year around the beginning of October I start to feel down. On her Birthday I feel more calm like I am in the eye of the "storm" and then it is over until next year. I can remember everything like it happened yesterday.
Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you as Scott's Angelversary date approaches.
Sometime I think the day weeks leading up to Trinitys day are harder. The anticipation of how I will handle, act, or meltdown consume my life. I'm so sorry for this dream and the emotion that come along with dreams such as these. Sending you a million and one hugs!
It is hard. Every part of it is hard and unnatural. There is nothing that anyone can say to take the pain away - but we can tell you that you are not alone and that we walk this journey with you.
There is nothing that can mask the pain to losing a child. With time it will get easier but it will still hurt and its ok to cry. Its okay to mourn. Its seems our dreams creep in to tell us its okay to feel. Its okay to feel weak. AND we will be here for you year after year to try and uplift you. I know this comment no doubt did the opposite but know your feeling normal and have such a strong will to push on. I dont know the pain of losing a child (I had one miscarriage at 24 weeks but hadnt met him/her) so I cant give you much advice just to say your in my prayers and sending you love and hugs
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