My parents have gotten a beach house on the Eastern shore for us all to go to next week. it's our fun family time that we promised my mom when she was in the hospital waiting for her liver transplant.
I haven't been very motivated to pack which is very not like me. I am a planner and get everything done in advanced. Last night we got out our beach umbrella, chairs, sand toys, and the red beach wagon for hauling all this stuff. I was rinsing it all off with the hose when it hit me...the last time we used the wagon was 3 years ago right after Scott died.
My husband had found us a beach house in North Carolina to go to for a week. Let's just say for me that week sucked. I had just starting really grieving two days before we left...I was in the big black hold of depression barely holding it together. But yet in a way it was good to be away because I had no one bothering me and it was good for C. Even if we weren't "all there" he had his parents all to himself for a week after not having us for the past month.
We haven't been to a beach house since. So all the prep work that goes into packing for a week at the beach. Like groceries, beach items, the thousands of trucks the boy wants to take it's been reminding me of 3 years ago. I know once I get to the beach I will be fine. We are going to a different beach, different house. But it's just those reminders that life really sucked at one point, and how something is missing in my life. How I should be taking twice as many toys and stuff with two boys. It's also a reminder of how bad things were emotionally and it scares me that one day I will go back to that place and my biggest fear is if I do this time I won't come out of it.
I'm hopeful that this time away at a different beach location will bring you some calm. There is that special something about the ocean. I know it's hard and the memories are flooding in. A few months after losing N, we went to the beach. I wore black. I'm sure people thought I was crazy as I wasn't dressed in usual beach attire, but I was comfy. We've visited several times since then and it's still a special spot. I hope that you can make new memories with C and the red wagon.
Thinking of you hun. I know heartache of memories. Lots and lots of hugs.
You won't go back to that dark place. You pulled out of it when it was at its worst, when that mood strikes (and we all know it will) you'll emerge again. Sad and strong, like we have to be every day despite whatever else may be going on in life.
I'm with Lindsay - the sea is a healing place and I hope you can make some happy new memories with that red wagon.
I agree with Shannon that you won't go back to that dark place and even if you do go near it, you'll never get sucked in to the point that you can't get out. You're entitled to your sadness, you're melancholy as you face this week away. You can't help but wish that you were packing for both C and S. It sucks that you aren't.
But you're going and you'll have fun even if you do have moments of sadness. That's what life is all about, the mingling of joy and sadness and sunshine and shadows.
Enjoy the beach, enjoy your family and sure, cry a little when you think about what you're missing.
So much love to you,
Sounds nice to be able to get away at a beach house. I'm sure you will be able to make new memories while also thinking of Scott but not go to that point as you were 3 years ago. Hope you have a nice vacation!
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