This has been one of those weeks were it wasn't bad but just it seems like there was a lot of stuff to get through and trigger moments. We went to a workshop that our school system holds this time of year for parents who have children starting Kindergarten in the fall. It's basically an informative session that tells you how to register, what to expect etc. It put my mind at ease that my son will do just fine in Kindergarten and especially when the speaker said it's our job as educators to teach them and don't push them enjoy them at were they are at right now. That was what I had been doing and felt like I wasn't doing the right thing after the conference with C's teacher before the holidays. The workshop also made me very sad, and teary eyed because reality set in that my baby is going to Kindergarten. I really starting crying when they were talking about how they have lots of staff on hand the first day to make sure the little Kindergarteners get to their room from the bus. That reality of I have to put my child on a bus and then expect him to get to a classroom! I've always driven him were he needed to go and walked him to where ever. So letting go for me is going to be hard. There is also that added apprehension of my sweet little boy actually getting to his classroom since he is very much in his own little world sometimes...it's makes for a nervous mommy. But he is excited and that's what is important.
Then in preschool Friday they talked about families. The teacher double checked with me about our family dynamic and if it was okay for C to decide what he said for who is part of our family. I told her it's his choice what he says. They had to decorate little paper cut out people to represent every family member and glue them in their all about me books. He did Mommy, daddy, C and then drew Elvis. Usually tell me about his day in the car. When I asked what they did he said he didn't remember. When I asked what his project was the same response. I can usually coax answer out of him by being silly like oh you sat and stared at the wall the whole time. But he would not talk about it. When we got home I looked at his all about me book and saw his family page. I think that he didn't want to upset me that he didn't include Scott and that is why he wouldn't talk. I will admit it "stung" a little at first but I also know that he has to navigate his way of dealing with things too. I made a big deal out of his book and sat and looked at it with him. I told him he did an nice job drawing our family. That made him smile. I realized later on that it was probably confusing for him especially since they were decorated paper cut outs. He never knew Scott has that. He only ever knew him as a baby. So in his mind there was probably nothing for him to decorate to represent Scott. it's hard and I really hate that he doesn't get to be excited and talk about his brother and just naturally include him in projects like that. I hate that this is our family normal. It just wasn't the way it was suppose to be.
I babysat my good friends girls this week. Her oldest O is the same age as C we were pregnant together with the two of them. The plan was to be pregnant together with our seconds and of course all that didn't go as planned how naive we were! C and O were off playing together and A fell asleep in my arms. Now I could have put her down in her crib but instead I held her. and I will admit to you all I projected just a little bit about how if it was Scott and how nice it would have been to be holding him. I didn't do it for too long...although I probably shouldn't have at all.
Today was A's first birthday. I wasn't sure how I was going to do being at a first birthday party but I did good. I will admit that I kinda thought of it as the one I never got to do with Scott. I think that is why I was so eager to help with the party and make sugar cookies and some games for the older kids. It also made me feel good that when it started getting crowded and A toddled over to me and lifted her arms up to be held and hugged me tight. To know that she is that comfortable with me and feels that safe with me.
It's been a week of preparing for things to come, lots of missing and what could of been, and just more of figuring out how to navigate this new normal.
Wow, That is an emotionally eventful week. I really dread when Keira's goes to Kindergarten, I have even put off preschool by telling myself that she needs time to adjust to being the only child at home during the day. Truth be told I am the one who needs to adjust. It's hard, super hard when a life event is completely gone from our lives because someone is completely gone. I think those are the things I mourn the most. The should have beens.
I completely understand why you wanted to hold your friends baby. My nephew was born just two weeks before Arianna and the first time I saw him after she died I just held him for hours. It was hard but at the same time it eased the aching I felt in my arms even if it was just for a little bit.
I hope next week is calm and uneventful.
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