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Today would have been Scott's birthday. He would have been one year old. He should have had an awesome first birthday party like I threw his brother 4 years ago. I should have had to celebrate 3 birthdays within the first week of June and be totally exhausted from the 72 hour birthday extragavanza my husband used to joke about if Scott came at the beginning of June instead of the end. How that backfired big time on us... In the fall I had decided that we would do something every year as a family with my husband taking the day off and C getting to pick what we did. I had also decided that we would not bring it up until June 4 because Colin's deserves a happy birthday and not have what happened to Scott overshadow his birthday. C had been wanting to ride the train to D.C. and go to the zoo so that is what we did today. I find if I get out of the house I do so much better than being at home. So we had our adventure today and it was good. I had a few moments when certain things would act as those dreaded triggers. At one point I was pushing the empty stroller( C and my husband were ahead looking at something) and it just hit me at what that symbolized for me in my life. Or that mild manner me who hates confrontation and likes to be a peace maker finally had her fill and set a school group of middle school boys straight who were acting very obnoxious and rowdy at the zoo and about to knock into my child. The look on my husbands face was priceless because I am not one to ever do that... But other than a few triggers and my outburst it was a good a day. this evening we wrote messages to Scott and we tied them to butterfly garden stakes and put them in our newly planted Scott memorial butterfly garden in our yard. ( my dear sweet friends planted it for us a few weeks ago) We each had a butterfly to tie a message too. I came home to a package containing plants with butterflies on the pots from a friend. My brother simply texted me a smiley face to let me know he was thinking of us and then changed his login picture on facebook to a piece of popcorn. ( C called Scott baby popcorn when I was pregnant). I got a card from UMMC foundation stating that my SIL made a donation to the NICU fund in Scott's memory for his bday. ( we asked that people do that in lieu of flowers when he passed away. What I like is that whenever someone made a donation they would send a beautiful card with a flower telling me who had made a donation. I called it the "good" mail since I was getting so many sympathy cards with text that I did not care about at the time no matter how well meaning it was) Then my cousin dropped off an edible arrangement to us from her and my aunt/uncle. So many people continue to be amazed at how well we seem to be doing but what they don't realize is that we are doing well because of the awesome people in our life. They continue to amaze me in how they know just what to do and say or not say on days when we need it. I miss Scott and I really wish he could be here and it's hard but I'm hanging in there. Night time is the worse and I hate going to bed because that's were I think and that's were sometimes the horrible dreams happen. I am also finding it's the things you don't mentally prepare for that "get you" Monday the day after C birthday and party ( a great day by the way and lots of fun) was tough because last year that is when things started spiraling downhill and our new normal was beginning to take shape. But I was doing okay and enjoying spending the day with C and having a hang out day at home. Well he had to choose that day to make a comment that about ripped my heart in half. Now I know he is only 4 and didn't mean to hurt me but oh boy was I glad I still needed to shower so I was able to plot him in front of the tv and go have a good cry in the shower. I had showed him the flight suit my brother gave him and said when your bigger you get to wear this.( too big for him now) He interpreted my comment in meaning when he was an adult. So he tells me but mom when I'm big I'm not going to here I will be being a workman at my job. Maybe you will have another kid to wear it...of all days to hear that it had to be that day! Oh boy the way we are tested at times...but I had my good cry and we went on in our day. Or the fact it was this week of all weeks that I received the packet of info about Colin's preschool for next year... One important date down two more to go this month... I will end my latest ramblings with this quote that I saw in the hallmark store a few weeks ago which at first made me want to cry but then it just touched me deep in my heart and as become important to me so I will end my latest ramblings with it: "If there ever comes a time when we can't be together keep me in your heart I will be there forever."