I am fortunate to be able to go on a really nice vacation in a couple of weeks. Because of my wonderful parents who own a time share and the airline points we had saved we are able to go to Hawaii in a couple of weeks. We are going with my parents who were able to get a timeshare trade for Kuai and on the way we are stopping in California for a couple of days. Until a few weeks ago I would not let myself think about the trip for many reasons. One it was too far away to even get excited, after we get back C starts school, and all this other stuff.
So a few weeks ago it hit me that our vacation is very near. I started getting excited and actually looking forward to it. Looking forward to anything is hard for me now to do after losing Scott. then the plane in L.a. crashed, then I hear of two other planes that had landing issues over the past few days. I hear about a small plane that crashes in a town near us. On top of that I am reading a book that has a part where there is a plane issue. It now has me freaked out about this trip and flying! I keep telling my husband what if this means something. Even typing this I know it sounds crazy but yet I am getting anxious from these thoughts. I just keep thinking am I really going to be sitting on some beach in a hawaiian island in a couple of weeks? Then I think why me? Why should we get to do this?
I wish I could just get excited and look forward to it. But my mind just won't let it happen. Then I think if we had Scott here we wouldn't be going. Mike keeps gently reminding me that we still have to live our life that yes we wouldn't be going if Scott we here but he's not. He reminds me that I also looked for signs all over the place to let me know Scott would be okay and it didn't mean a thing. ( rainbows, turtles, you name it if I saw it I took it as a sign he would be okay) . It's just so hard getting over these anxious feelings because I learned it can happen to you and why won't something else.
There have been a lot of publicized plane issues lately, but I try to think of how many other flights went just fine. I know what you mean about thinking that it "couldn't" happen, but it did. Try to relax and have a positive attitude about the trip. I would go if I had the opportunity and maybe this is the time you need to let yourself rejuvenate.
Since I lost my angel, I do find that I have a lot more anxiety for exactly the reason you said - we unforunately learned first hand that the unthinkable can happen, and so all those other unthinkables seem possible now too. I think its a good sign though that you identified them as anxious feelings and the reason for them.
That said, I really hope that you do go to Hawaii. Being on vacation, especially by the ocean, definitely has therapeutic effects.
Sorry I don't have any good coping mechanisms for you, but I did want to let you know that I understand how you feel.
Thinking of you,
I absolutely hate hate hate flying. Who did I marry you ask, an aviation engineer! Crazy right. After Arianna died that anxiety about tripled. To top it off our oldest daughters dad lives in California and she flies there twice a year to spend time with him and her step mom and brothers and sisters alone. He is a great person but putting my child on a plane about kills me. Especially this year when that Asiana flight crashed at the very same airport she flew into just a few days after she landed and the day she got home was the day the SouthWest flights landing gear failed!! I was at O'Hare in Chicago when that flight crashed. So how do I cope, well my husband stays on the phone with me and gives me a play by play as I describe to him everything that is taking place around me. (They only let one parent at the gate). He also tells me exactly what minor little thing can ground an airplane for safety something as tiny as a pinhole size rust spot. Every single time we go thru these things. He always tells me how safe each specific type of plane she is flying on is whether it be an AirBus of Boeing etc. He also tells me that flying is safer than driving and that pilots have hundreds and hundreds of hours of experience. He also tells me that it is the most regulated industry there is. Which after my most recent TSA screening I am inclined to believe him.
To some extent I will agree that your husband is right. You do have to live without Scott physically being with you but you don't have to live without him completely. Living without him doesn't mean leaving him behind. I try and find ways to "bring" Arianna with us when we travel. I incorporate her into each one of our family vacations even if its just in spirit. I hope that you enjoy your trip and you post some wonderful pictures for all of us to be jealous of.
thanks for you kind thoughts. I was so worried after I wrote my post that I was going to have come across as some ungrateful person who doesn't appreciate being able to go to Hawaii.( I do, I really really do!) Anxiety what a horrible emotion to have, I can deal with sadness, anger and all that but hate the anxiety. Jami knowing how well they check the planes helped coming from a professional although my husband as been telling me the same thing. I have never worried about flying before.
As someone who lives here, take heart knowing that when you arrive, you may find, as I do, that you will see your precious angel in all the beauty that abounds here. There will always be rainbows, especially on Kauai, and I wouldn't be surprised if you find a turtle or two as well.
Perhaps you wouldn't be going if Scott were here- but if he were here you would be over the moon happy. Sometimes as difficult as it is to find the energy to do so, I feel like when I am most carefree and happy I am most close to Akeelah, because if she were here it's how I would have always been. So while you enjoy your time here and smile, I hope you will find comfort feeling very close to Scott.
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