I have been focused a lot on my husbands family and my anger towards them. I have had many emotions from anger to hurt. It has been the main thing i have thought about and focused on most of the month of June. Some of it is because it was a way for me to focus my emotions on something other than this being the "anniversary" month of everything with Scott. I have found in the past 3 years that I tend to want to be confrontational and angry during the month of June. It's easier I think then letting those other emotions through. Those emotions I had 3 years ago that sunk me in such a black hole that I am amazed still this day that I managed to pull myself out of it. So my husbands family gave me that outlet to be confrontational, and angry. But it was also dragging me down.
All of this had thrown me very off balance. I felt like I was "off centered" and needed to find my "center" again. I have been doing very well the past couple years putting the pieces of my life back together. I had done it in a way that had worked for me. I was even surviving this new chapter of my life were my son was now at school all day and me being left home alone. I was doing well. and then I felt like my inlaws came in and just took it all away. The email from my Brother in law it shook me. It got deep in my head and I had a hard time getting it out of my head. It hit me to the core. Then all the little aftershocks that have been coming since I just felt unbalanced. I was allowing them to get the best of me.
But I am learning that the universe sometimes will throw little things at you to remind you that your not alone and that there is good and good people in your life. and I finally am realizing that what matters are the good people in my life and that's what I need to focus on. I have a mom who is awesome. She may be Mrs. cheerful and sunny, and find the positve 24/7 which can sometimes be a tad bit annoying. but she is a great mom. and if you ask her how many grandchildren she has she will say 2 and she will tell you about Colin and Scott. She has been calling Scott Scotty since the day he was born. I hated it. At first I was to focused on what was going on with scott to say anything. By the time everything had happened I just felt like I would hurt her feelings if I said something. What did it really matter in the scheme of things? At the walk this year it somehow came up with my dad that I hated it. Well he must have said something to my mom because ever since whenever she talks about Scott or post something about him on facebook she uses the name Scott. It makes me love her more because she didn't throw a fit or make a big deal she just started using his name because she knew that's what I wanted. That's one thing that matters I realize is my mom and the rest of my family who managed to grow closer during the major life events we have had over the years instead of ripping us apart.
The other thing that matters I realize my friends. My true friends who even when I don't see them a lot would be there in an instance if I needed anything. and I know because they were 3 years ago. I had my yoga/meditation friend who was finding me books and giving me cds to help me find peace, letting me talk about Scott and holding me when I cried without getting uncomfortable. I had my friend who was going to be there for me at my sons funeral but had the issue of 2 young children at home and a husband out of town. so her Mother in law who lived in New England after working a 12 hours shift drove all night to come babysit her grandchildren so her daughter in law could be there for me. A friend who is like me and can't sit back and do nothing. So she took up a collection and got everyone together to plant a butterfly garden the next spring in my yard in memory of Scott. and the other thing she "dressed" up for me at my sons funeral. She does not wear skirts/dresses so when she showed up in a skirt I remember telling her how honored I felt. These friends and others two days after Scott died were all meeting at the park. I decided to go just to get out of my house to have Colin be able to see his friends. I remember sitting at a picnic table while the kids played and just being able to share what it had been like for me the past 2 weeks and not getting the dumb comments or sympathetic I'm so sorry. They listened and they just asked me questions like in a normal conversation. then as I'm talking with them I look over at the playground and see a very dear sweet friend sitting in mulch with Colin curled up in her lap and she just held him. It made me happy to see that because I realized that is what my son needed just someone to hold him and love him without crying, with out talking in whispers at what was going on. and he was able to get that from her.
I got these reminders of what matters this past week. It started by just seeing some of my friends at school functions and such. Then I find out that I get to see my one dear friend whose mother in law drove all night and who made a quilt for us to raffle to raise money for Team popcorn that moved to Texas a few weeks after Scott's funeral. I get to see her in a week. We are going to Texas and she is going to drive and see us although she lives 3 hours away. I have not seen her in 3 years. I ran into my dear sweet friend who I haven't seen in forever who held my son as her own at the library and it was so nice to just to give her a hug. and then I saw the friend who helped me clear my head, find my center again and bring it all together. This is my yoga friend who is also a massage therapist. She does the Myofascial release massage. I had never had one of those wasn't sure what I was getting into getting one. But I felt like just maybe seeing her, having a friend do the massage who I can be completely honest with and say this is why my back is completely knotted with stress maybe it would help more than going to some stranger to get a my usual swedish massage. So I made an appointment to see her. We chatted for 30 minutes before I even got my massage. I filled her in on the drama that has been life. I knew her mom had died a few years ago and thought she was close with her. I found out she wasn't and how angry she was that she couldn't really be angry at her mom anymore because she was dead. How her mom was like an irresponsible teenager. This friend of mine has a different view of the universe and believes in different things. Her mind is open to things like reincarnation etc. She just talked to me about how she came to peace with things with her mom and how she was told that those who believe in reincarnation say there are young souls and old souls. That her mom was a young soul and that is why she acted the way she did. I'm not buying completely into all that but it was just something for me to think about. and I remember our grief therapist telling us how we had to accept that my husbands parents are who they are and that they aren't going to change. We had to decide what we want out of the relationship. I had forgotten that being said to me. I still think people need to be responsible for their actions be it that there just jerks, selfish, or have a "young soul". But it gave me something to reflect on and think about while I got my massage. as I laid on the massage table I made peace. I made peace with the fact that I am truly done with my SIL and BIL. We have nothing left to offer one another there is no need for me to continue a relationship with them. I made peace with the fact that because of this I won't have a relationship anymore with my nephew. But then I also realized I never had one with him to begin with although I have tried. I realized it's not because of me that I don't. I also realized that even though I won't if he ever needed anything in his life I would always be there for him if he ever needed us. I also realized that my MIL and FIL they are gong to be in my life. That my husband and I have to find a way that they fit in our life. That is where a therapist will help. During my time of reflection I could not envision saying goodbye to them like I did my SIL, and BIL. and it hit me then that there a part of my life. But things are going to change and I'm not going to allow them to get in my head, and i'm not going to get sucked in their games. When I explained this to my husband he was understanding. and I think it helped him to hear that I wasn't cutting his parents out of our lives at least not at this time. Because I think the thing my husband has been wrestling with was how to keep a relationship with his parents. I'm not sure how this is going to work or what is going to happen but it feels good to make peace.
I left my friend's house feeling like I had found my "center" again and feeling more relaxed and at peace then I have in a long time.
I realize that is what matters. The people in your life that are there for you. That although they can be complete opposites from you they are still good people that are part of your life. That I need to let go of the negative people. I need to figure out my boundaries on what I say is okay and what isn't. and it feels good. I was hanging on to the negativity because it gave me a focus for June that wasn't being deeply sad and depressed. But I realized I couldn't do that anymore. I realized that I was allowing toxic people get in my head and dictate who I was. But not anymore. It's not going to be easy and I"m not sure how this is going to go with my inlaws but I realize now I'm the one in control of me and no one else.
I am focusing on what matters. What matters to me is my family and my friends. Those who 3 years later will listen if I want to talk about scott. The new friends I have just made this year who also want to hear about Scott and accept me for who I am. I had a friend who is Colin's schoolmate's mom who not only bought a team popcorn shirt but proudly wore it at her son's party which was on the day of the walk. She has told me I can hangout with her on June 19 if I need girl time in the evening. These are the people I want in my life and who I'm going to choose to have in my life and who I focus on. and treat those who aren't the ones who matter with has little interaction as possible.
This is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read on Share. These are the people worthy of Scott's story-all his aunties who clearly have love for you and him. Thank you for reminder of what and who really matter. I think our angels smile their biggest smiles when we face the sunshine.
I am so sorry that this year, you have had to deal with so much on top of the normal stress and pain that June brings. I can't imagine the weight you must have been feeling. As you know, Jer and I have also had some very difficult and strained relationships with several members of his (and my own) family. In the past 3 years we have pretty much severed all ties with them some of them and even though it was incredibly difficult and did add strain on some other relationships within the family, we are much happier and our marriage is even healthier. Maybe you and Mike can discuss the pro's and con's of just cutting ties with them completely. In the long run, it may be best and easiest.
I think it was Lauren who once made a post about how "grief re-writes your address book". No single phrase has ever been so true. I am keeping you and M and C in my thoughts and sending you all lots of hugs. Please reach out if you need anything at all.
I am glad to read that you are getting to that special place. It isn't easy and there could be more scuffles and awkward conversations down the road, but it's on them. Stay focused on those healthy relationships. Yay for focusing on what matters most to you! Cheers, I'll drink to that! You're such a good mommy and friend:)
You and Scott have been in my thoughts this month. I am so sorry for the toxicity you have faced from family members. I am glad you are focusing on the people who matter, and letting go of those who don't.
I really Love you! I know June is a difficult time for you and I cant begin to image the added stress of everything else. But glad you are fucusing on those who truely matter and make a difference in a positive way. Many many hugs.
I'm happy that you're at a place where you can focus on who and what matters, it's great that you have friends that accepts you for who you are and would listen even if it's 3years after. Better days are ahead and I hope June turns out to better than expected.
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