A friend of my mom's just had twins and they are in the NICU. Born a few weeks early and one was on the ventilator. I have been asking my mom how they are doing because my heart goes out to the mom and what she is going through. But it's hard when my mom reads me the email updates she gets.
Recently her baby was able to come off the ventilator and she wrote in her email that miracles are happening and the prayers are being answered. Hearing that makes me want to cry and yell. Writing it now makes me want to cry, yell, stomp my feet, throw something, yell why?
Why wasn't my prayers answered? Why wasn't I given a miracle. it's takes me back to one day when I was in the hospital and I was sitting outside the bathrooms waiting for Mike so we could go upstairs to the NICU. We had just been giving the devastating news the day before that our son was not going to live. I overheard a woman who was in her late sixties it looked like talking to someone about her husband who was a patient in the hospital and had some sort of major health issue. I remember he saying we got our miracle. I thought that day why can't my newborn baby have a miracle but someone who has lived a full life can?
These are the things are still struggle with. I want to know why I can't get my prayers answered when I am a good person. I went to church most every sunday so did my husband and son. I sat in that church during my pregnancy and prayed prayers of Thanksgiving for the life that was growing inside me and thanking him for giving me a healthy baby. A brother for Colin.
and in the end I got my baby taken from me. It's hard and it's hard when I hear people saying they got their prayers answered, their miracles. Because I want to know how do you make that happen?
I know the feeling! I was one of about 4 or 5 friends pregnant around the same time. I went to church stopped drinking did everything the drs said and books advised. Yet my baby was stillborn on 6/14/14. I was devastated. I had to pray to be genuinely happy for my friends so that I would not further block my blessings. There is no answer to your question honestly thats going to miraculously make you feel better. You will never stop wondering and doubting and questioning. However in time things will certainly get easier. Its ok in the meantime to have those moments where you are upset! Let it out however Ive learned that how you speak to your circumstance is how you come out! I am praying that your troubled heart is eased and your mind is comforted. Im praying that you find peace and joy! From one Angel Mommy to another hugs and lots and lots of kisses!
I know....I've said similar things. Where's my baby? Oh, I know, he's in a box in my closet waiting for us (me) to decide where and when to put him somewhere beautiful. We were so hopeful once and it all got taken away in a flash. Having had 2 preemies before our angel, I felt really prepared as things can change quickly and did. I was on bedrest at 21 weeks and then that unwanted neglectful transfer of care...2 prenatal visits, swelling and all too familiar symptoms that "something" wasn't right. Three times the charm, not for us. It's hard because he's all we wanted. Trying to make new dreams and new plans, but still so very stuck. I overhear so many pregnancy conversations. I just laugh to myself, bite my tongue, shake my head, or scream a favorite naughty word when I get alone time. D's teacher is preggo and taking her leave soon. Is it wrong that I am ready to forward her a Share brochure? I am scared for pregnant women. I feel awful that dread is the first feeling when it should be joy.
Not sure how to write this, but I'll try my best...
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you've been through. This month, we celebrated my baby's 1st birthday. When I was pregnant with her, the doctor's told me she had major birth defects and would not make it. He suggested I terminate my pregnancy and try again later. In the end, she made it. She was born with no issues. As her birthday drew closer, I became so sad. I couldn't figure it out. I should've been so happy. It was a coworker that finally placed it. I have survivor's guilt. I have so many wonderful friends here on SHARE whose babies didn't make it. Who want with all of their hearts for them to be here, with them, on earth. It's not fair. For a long time, I referred to her as my 'miracle baby', and I believe she is, but then one day I was talking to a friend who had 2 terminal children (who have now passed just 6 weeks apart) and she asked me, "Why doesn't God answer my prayers? Aren't my kids worth saving? Don't they deserve it too?" It broke my heart and still does. I have no answers. So as Bea's birthday drew near, that's all I could think about. It's not fair that so many moms and dads are separated from their babies. In the end, I know that Beatrix being born healthy had nothing to do with me. It was not that God granted my prayers over other people's prayers because I was this 'holy person' that deserved it more, because I know that I don't. I know that it's not a matter of one person having more faith, or praying harder, or deserving it more.
I do know that because of the relationships I've found here on SHARE, I treasure her that much more. I don't take her for granted. I hope this post comes across in the loving way it is intended. I'm sorry you're going through this pain and pray for His peace to comfort your soul.
Praying for you~ Julie
I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't give up on God. Let's continue to trust and pray to Him to take care of our angels.
I've wondered the same thing a million times!! I just had an "ah-ha" moment about 2 years ago that no matter if God himself was standing here explaining everything, I'm an earthly momma and it won't be enough. I want my daughter. However, I'll understand it all fully when I get to Heaven, and I have to trust that He'll show me everything. Does it still hurt when someone says that near me.....Absolutely, but for me, this realization has helped.
This is something that I still struggle with. Especially right now at this time of year. I am more attuned to things that involve the mistreatment of children now and it makes me so angry and wonder that much more. I have a very hard time really grasping on to the notion that there is a God. I mean part of me stills prays for miracles and wants to believe that God is not responsible for my daughters death but the other part of me really just isn't buying it. I know that sounds so awful but I really feel like if God is real than he totally gets it. He gets the pain and understands my doubts.
I wish we all would have gotten our miracles.
I have struggled with this as well. Religion/spirituality is a very complicated and personal thing. I struggle with this even more now that we are having trouble conceiving again. From what I remember, this was touched on in the service we had for Marco. The priest is a family friend, and a wonderful man. I was in a fog during the service, but basically - he made the point that God isn't making these horrible things happen - but that he is there, crying with us over our losses - something to that effect. It's all so complicated and mysterious - something that is beyond my ability to understand - so for me, I just keep praying for strength.
Sending love your way,
Oh boy....how I have felt these same things. How you are happy that they got their prayers answered but beyond upset...beyond mad that you got the short straw when you have done EVERYTHING RIGHT! My sister has 4 healthy babies that she never really cares for. More like has them to get attention for herself but doesn't want to do anything with them. And I find myself mad at her and her babies for being healthy...then I feel guilty because I should be glad her babies are healthy because I KNOW the hurt and struggle of a sick baby, to have a baby die after all the battles and still lose.
I know this might not make sense to you but in a way....he got a miracle...he is the best he will ever be. He is in a perfect body free of the pain and struggle he faced here. I had to WORK my way back into my bible and church after Creedence was born and his death because I was so angry that I didn't get what I had prayed for and BELIEVED was gonna happen because in the bible is says to believe what you are praying for with all your heart and faith and it will be answered....but mine wasn't....Then I stepped back and realized it had been answered. I would never want Creedence to face the pain he faced everyday for YEARS. He could hardly breathe, eat, interact. He was in pain being held why would I wish for him to be in that pain all day everyday? If he couldn't be 100% (like I knew he wouldn't be) healed then the pain he would endure would be torture for him.
Sure I still catch myself being mad that he didn't get complete healing....but he is better off then all of us where he is now and that was what I prayed for. For him to be healthy free of all the pain and sickness....and it was answered.
I think of you and hope this might help.
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