MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Living my new normal

why?

One of the things that my and husband and I are still wrestling with and trying to come to terms with is why? Why us? Scott would have had loving, caring parents, an awesome big brother and a large extended family that all lives nearby. he would have known nothing but love and security from his family. Instead he was taken from us. yet I read in the news ( I try hard not to watch the news) about children/babies neglected, abused, killed. I am out in public and see/hear things and I wonder why? it's horrible for me to say this I know but if a baby had to be taken right after birth why not one of the babies who are going to grow up in a horrible environment or have their life taken? Why my baby who would have known nothing but love? It angers me it makes me sad and I know I just have to let it go that it just is. But I hate it. I made it to 37 weeks, the point in the pregnancy where you have no worries you are just looking forward to not being huge and pregnant anymore. Then it all went wrong and I don't even know why and probably never will. I hate knowing that I am done having children that c will be an only child. How I feel guilty for not being able to give him a sibling. But I can't risk it again not without knowing what really happened. If it was genetics it's a 1:4 chance of it happening again. I had a miscarriage before Scott. I feel like my body is telling me something. I hate everything about what happened. I hate that C will have no siblings to grow up with, especially after all of this and how my two brothers were there to lift me up support me and still are. I hate that I don't even know why Scott was born the way he was especially when there was no indicators the entire pregnancy that anything was wrong. and I hate that on his first birthday this coming week all I can do is think about him, remember him, and visit a cemetery. and all I can do is wonder why?

  • I am so very sorry!!! I too have wondered the samethings  you are about why not the babies that will suffer later in life any way. I am sure most of us here have battled those thoughts in one way or another. The doctors never told you what had happened? I was no where near as far along with Naul as you were with your precious Scott but when I fell desperate to try again I found out I have four different blood clotting issues which is believed to be the reason for my early loss many yrs ago & my loss of my sweet Naul. Though knowing doesnot bring me tons of comfort when I had to face my greater fears of my body is what failed both of my angels. Wish you could really feel the hug Im sending you through this laptop. Thinking of you as Scott's 1st birthday comes closer. In I.N there will be a candle burning bright for you both!

    Hugs, Naul's mom

  • There is a long, long list of questions in my mind about my life.  Especially the questions that you mentioned.  I'm sending hugs to  you as you struggle to understand your new normal.

    Hugs,

    Tracy

  • Ugh, the land of what ifs and whys totally sucks, I still live in it from time to time.  It sucks seeing everything you ever wanted ripped away from you and others who throw away the exact thing you want most.  Many hugs to you.

    Stacy

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for your healing. My grandmother use to say,"The shoulda, woulda, couldas can bring your life to a stand still." Getting the "whys" answered can lead us to the "whats". Why did this happen to me? What can I do with this pain? What is the purpose behind my pain? What part does this play in my destiny? I know it hurts as I have had a child torn away from me. But I allowed myself to hurt; I allowed myself to forgive myself; I allowed myself to be angry; I allowed myself time to heal. Words can't mend what you are going thru but know that God is able. My grandfather use to say,"Just because God didn't do it doesn't he could not have done it. Even though we may not understand he doesn't make mistakes. You just have to trust Him." This was said in a prayer that he prayed as he buried 2 of his 4 children within a few years of each other. Much love and prayers going up for you and your family.

  • Thinking of you these past few days. I know all to well how hard they are. I have asked myself why us at least a thousand times over. I have begged God for an explanation and stood as silence hung in the clouds. Then I think to myself no matter what explanation I am given it will never be good enough. I will always wonder why no matter what answer I am given. I think that we all will.

    Hugs,

    Jami