so once again I was caught with the deer in the headlight look....caught off guard and not knowing what to say when asked, "the question..." I knew I was going to be asked the question today and I knew it was going to be multiple times I was asked. Yet every time...
Today the awesome room moms of my son's preschool class( a.k.a. me and another mom) planned an outing at the park were the moms and children could go and meet everyone and get to know each other. New social situations are very had for me with people who don't know my story. In this case it was 18 moms who didn't know my story...I knew I would get asked is C your only one? Do you have any other children?I had a plan, I knew what I wanted to say. I was using the wisdom that Gigi had given us during her session of keeping it positive, short. I was for once going to actually give my precious little guy the honor of actually using his name because I always downplay it by saying a baby.
This how I had the conversation in my head:
a mom: "Is he your only one?"
Me: "no, C has a little brother his name is Scott. He passed away at 2 weeks old" Or " No, C has a little brother his name is Scott he just has wings. " ( someone had said they used that and I loved it)
What really happened in the conversations:
a mom: " Is he your only one?"
me: " No I had another baby and unfourtnatley he died at two weeks old" Then I'm just standing there in that akward silence... I hate that response because it's impersonal and I want to acknowledge my little guy and use his name. Make him a person that touched our lives. I feel as if I'm still answering and being apologetic for bringing it up...I want to use his name yet I never do!
Yet time and again I get caught off guard. I hate it! I knew I was going to be asked yet here I was still being caught of guard. I still get tense, I still get stressed. I feel like if I would say yes C has a brother and his name is Scott that I would feel good about telling someone. That it wouldn't be so akward yet time and again I get tongue tied...Maybe I can just make a recording and hit play on a little tape recorder that I carry around...I'm sure that wouldn't make me look a crazy....;p
Does it ever get easier ever with that question??? Then of course I"m left wondering if I'm being discussed among the other moms...I hate dealing with these new social situations with new moms!!
on a side note does anyone know how to get spell check to work? I never can...
I loved the way Helena put it this past weekend. She says "I have 2 that run and 2 that soar." I thought that was absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to use it. Don't be so hard on yourself, he knows that you want to honor him but just haven't figured out a way that is comfortable for you to do it yet. It's a work in progress and I pray that something drops in your spirit to guide you. Much hugs.
First and foremost I use FireFox as my browser and it has built in spell check. That way if I spell a word wrong it gives me the red squiggly line underneath. Very Very handy especially when answering lots of blogs. :)
Secondly, My answer is No that question never gets awkward. While I have found answering the question easier I haven't quite gotten past the "I'm so sorry" that comes at the end. My response has become "It's OK". Then I scream at myself inside because it is sooooo NOT ok! But I think I say ok because I just want them to skip the part where they feel sorry for me. It's been almost five years for me and it's still awkward. I just wish people wouldn't offer their condolences every single time. It makes me feel like they are sorry she ever lived and I'm not sorry. So I don't know what to say when people say I'm sorry. *sigh*
I have felt like everyone was talking about me after I left a room also. Like I'm the one with the child who died kind of talk. It doesn't bother me as much know because I am more than that. So much more, and so are you. :) Lots of hugs my dear friends. Thank Goodness for GiGi, maybe after about 10 more years we'll all be able to have this grief thing down pat!
I too still struggle with how to answer the question " Is she your only child?" You want so badly to honor your little angel and let everyone know they are in your thoughts constantly and in your heart forever. I am not sure who feels more uncomfortable about it. Sometimes I think I am the one that is more uncomfortable because I am worried about making others feel uncomfortable. I have also found it makes others avoid me when I do respond in a manner that includes my angel, Sylas. It hurts. I wish I had good advice for you. What makes me feel best is to just respond however I feel at the moment.
I hope you find a response that makes you feel comfortable and like you are honoring your sweet Scott. I know you will. It will just take time. This is just not easy.
I totally get it. I to struggle with this but for me my one and only is an angel so i struggle with telling people i am a mom to an angel because i hate the pity it causes. I have spent my whole life trying to overcome the pitty that comes from being blind. I always say i have a child because for me its a reminder that i am still a mom although i dont usually feel like it
Give yourself some credit i dont think answering theese auestions should be easy after all nothing about being an angel mommy is easy
Awe... I hurt with you. That question is very uncomfortable no matter how many times you answer it "correctly". As if there is a correct way to tell someone that your baby died. I know that this isn't the answer you want but you did honor your son but sharing that he existed and you did it in a way that worked for you at the time! Like Gigi said, it's about YOU at that moment and what YOU want to tell them. You didn't want to share more and the awkward silence, well that's the listeners problem. They didn't walk a minute in your shoes to know what to say so they just gawk at you. I think that you did the best you could in what for an angel mom is a very very stressful situation. As time goes on, what I've learned is, it gets easier not to tell them that you are the mother of an angel, but to tell them and deal with what follows. That part becomes second nature. I know I will never get used to telling people that my son is dead, but I have gotten very used to their response or lack thereof. Hugs to you momma, you're the mother of two!!!
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