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I walk for Scott.  Scott was the baby that was going to complete our family.  It was going to be me in a household of boys. ( My husband, my 2 sons)  I was excited to be a mom of 2 boys.  I joked that is why I have two brothers to prepare me for this moment.   Life was gonna be great!  We had plans of things we would do with our boys, vacations that boys would love.  I was ready for the mess, the chaos, that my life was going to be raising boys.  Then those hopes, those dreams they got ripped from us.  Those 9 months of a great pregnancy of being fooled into thinking that everything was okay.  Our son was born and it turns out he was brain damaged.  Or really I should say he did not have a working brain to begin with.  Can’t live without a working brain.  My “perfect” little life of herding boys was taken from me.  I was devastated.  My life became a very dark place that all I could focus on was death and the fact that we all are going to die one day.  I couldn’t find joy, happiness in anything.  I could only live in the exact moment I was in.  The timer on the microwave counting down was too much for me.  I couldn’t write things on the calendar.  Those things were too hard because I knew my future was going to be one without Scott my youngest son. 

8 months it took me to find the MOD.  Those 8 months my family was barely existing.  I was slowly coming out of the black hold of grief but still had a long way to go.  I was going through the motions of life.  I was getting really good at putting on that everything is okay face when out in public when my mind still raced with all sorts of sad/depressing thoughts.  My husband shut himself away from the world.  His life became, work, and home.  He socialized only when he had no choice.  My son, my 3 year old he knew we weren’t ourselves, he knew we were sad.  So he formed imaginary friends Deevee, Dillon, and Mr. Holiday.  They became his escape, his coping mechanism. He avoided talking about Scott.  He never brought him up, asked questions about the time he was here.  He didn’t want to make us any sadder than we already were.  But like I said we eventually found something that would help heal our family.

We found the March of Dimes.  We learned about their mission.  We learned about the walk.  We realized we could do something to honor Scott.  To keep his memory alive, to have a chance, that one day to celebrate him.  So we walked.  And that walk did something for my family.  It brought us back to center.  It gave us a way to remember Scott without feeling so sad.  It gave us a way to help other families, other babies.  Something happened after our first walk we started being able to remember Scott and talk about him without always crying or being angry.  Our 3 year old saw us change and started talking about his brother.  Started asking questions.  We began healing.

This is our 4^th year walking. Our team is Team Popcorn.  My son is now 6.  He helps us fundraise, he talks about Scott his brother.  My husband and I share our story now with people to fundraise to help other families.   We walk to celebrate Scott.  It’s our families one day were we can proudly say he was here and everyone at that walk gets it. Understands.  We walk because we want to help other families never have to go through the heartache we went through. 

Because no mom should ever have to:

• Plan a funeral for her newborn son.
• Be told by a roomful of doctors there is nothing they can do for their son.
• Tell their 3 year old to kiss their brother goodbye this will be the last time you ever will.

This is why we walk.