Share Your Story

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been trying to catch up on others' blogs and stories. I am really looking forward to Share Union this weekend and anticipating the weekend's events. I have NEVER been away from my kids since they were born (minus the NICU and a few hospital stays giving birth). I know that my husband is very capable and I'm not worrying about that. I think as the weekend slowly approaches, I am reminded of why I am on this site at all. I am reminded of my horrible night and my sons' death. I hate it. It's been a hard couple of weeks. I've been doing care gigs here and there and I just can't seem to find anything permanent. I need something stable in my life right now. I'm tired of temporary. I feel like being a part-time provider is about all that I can handle. If people only knew just how difficult it is for me to open my home to strangers and judgement, care for someone else's infant, all the while wishing that it was my own. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I force myself to do these care gigs when I'd rather be doing something else. I want to help bring in some extra income to our household and being home, it's really the easiest thing. It's been hard to find someone whose schedule can work. I have to leave my house at a certain time to pick up my child and I don't have a vehicle that sits 3-4 carseats, etc. I don't blame people if they don't want me driving with their child. It's liability for me too. So, I have to be really choosy and realistic about which jobs I accept. It's just such a headache at this point and I am thinking about taking my profile off of my care sites. The tube reversal center called yesterday to check in with me. We talked a bit more about procedures and surgery options. I wish that I qualified for the one that I want, but you have to be a certain BMI and well, I'm not there yet. I'm in my pool and I get on the Total Gym once in awhile, but it's so hot here still that I'm not out walking the way I could be. I feel as though AZ has led me to such an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm not really into hiking or camping. Girl Scouts kind of killed all of those activities for me. I miss the ocean, the breeze, and FOG! My skin and my body haven't been the same since I moved here. That was why I went for the interview in CA. I just feel like a need a fresh start. Sometimes I feel like my opportunity to have more babies has already passed me by. I'm only 30 and I feel so old. What do you do when you want more kids and can't have them? I KNOW that I am lucky to have the little ones that I have. I just get it now more than ever that there are no guarantees. Even if we decide to do the surgery, there might not be enough tube to work with. If surgery is successful, I might not even be able to get pregnant and if I could, then there's the question of how long will I be able to carry the baby and will I have a team of knowledgeable OBs and peris watching out for me? It's seems so untouchable now this dream of having more. Believe me, I count my blessings each and every day. I guess whatever we decide, it will be one step at a time and I can only worry about the now. So, I will find out next week whether or not my son will be allowed to continue on with his classmates. He's been on a probationary period for Kinder due to his young age. I'm prepared for whatever happens. You know, my son comes home from school sometimes with stamps on his hands. One day, he came home with little feet on it and it just stopped me in my tracks. Something so simple like that just reminds me of Naethyn. Of all of the stamps, why does it have to be feet? How about an apple, a star, a dragon, a smiley face. Feet, great.