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It's been a really awful year. I have my JC Penny family portrait postcard on my refrigerator with a huge magnet over my face. Why? Because I was pregnant at 20 weeks in that picture. I bought a new frame at x-mas time for it and that frame is still unopened. It's like I knew or something. There were so many unfortunate circumstances surrounding this pregnancy. This was my 3rd pregnancy and a 3rd baby boy. I was going to get my Three Musketeers afterall:) My first son was born at 32 weeks and I've been through the NICU experience. I never knew that I could ever feel this way about anyone, but I loved being pregnant! I mean, to have morning sickness, fatigue, medications, blood work, whatever, it's all worth it! I wish more people would understand that. I just saw a commercial for this "after morning" pill or whatever it's called and it made me want to throw up. Anyways, I did have another baby boy at 34 weeks and I did get to take him home. Jaundice for two months thanks to my contributing *** milk, but otherwise healthy. This time, I wasn't going to by so lucky. A week after I had my first OB appointment at 6 weeks or so, I had horrible migraine headaches that woke me up in the middle of the night. On the secong night, I called my OB immediately and he said it was hormonal and then they stopped instantly. Weird! So, it's 12/11 and I'm seeing this Specialist for the first time as a precaution. And that's when i found out it was to be another boy and he's recommending blood work because he thinks I might be prone to blood clots. Results back on 1/8 and sure enough, it's Factor V Leiden and MTHFR both heterozygeous. He recommends Heprin and I declined. Didn't do it with my other two boys and if I had, who knows? I might not be typing this right now. On that same day, Thursday, January 8, 2009, my trusted OB tells me that the practice is letting him go due to budget. He was an older man and because he didn't invest, the practice was letting him go. So, this really spelled doom for me. I remeber crying as I was making my next appointment with my new OB and I cried all the way home. This OB knew me, my history, and my high-risk symptoms. I had 2 count 'em 2 OB appointments with this lady. She didn't know about patients like myself and I regret that I didn't ask for the best OB referrals. Oh, the remorse. I saw her Feb. 5th with my hubby and again on the 18th and brought my two kids so that she could meet my family. At that appointment, I told her about the swelling in my feet, my face, and especiallly my hands. I guess there weren't large amounts of protein in my system. She didn't seem concerned. It was at this point that myself acting as the more knowledgable one, should have siad, "Hey, let's do a 24-Hour urine screen? It's really crazy the way that everything happened. I should have seen her again in 2 weeks, but my appointment wasn't scheduled again until Monday, March 9th. I had been on bedrest since the first week of January and I was literally waiting for the next OB appt. for someone to tell me that it was time. Time to be admitted to the hospital to be monitored, etc. That's how it happened the other two times, so that's what I was waiting for. I think I might have seen a flash (sign of pre-eclamsia) on Tues., March 3rd. I didn't call, I wasn't sure. Then, later that night, I felt the baby do a huge flip in my body. I have never felt movement like that before. It raised me out of bed and I told my husband about it. I did have tears in my eyes and somehow dismissed that and was able to sleep. Two days later, I start to feel discomfort in my pelvic region. I told my husband and it's at this point that I called my OB. She tells me that it's nothing. Rest, elevate feet, plenty of H20, and try to get some help with the kiddos during the day. Three hours later, CRAMPING, and I call her to tell her I am going to the hospital. She was really nonchalant about it too. It's almost midnight and I am driving myself to the hospital. My water starts to break, lots of trickling, and when I finally have parked my car and am walking on the sidewalk, my water breaks. Not good at 30 weeks exactly and thank to a good samaritan who ran to get me a wheelchair, I got to the nurse's station okay. Well, when my water broke, the clot had opened up and I was bleeding out. That's what they told me later. I shared my story on this website. I'm probbaly way back on page 29 or more by now. "Still in shock - he's gone for eternity" was the title. No heartbeat when they tried to listen. He was gone. No fetal heart tone and no movement were the words written in the medical report. My poor little guy. I believe with all of my heart that the movement I fel that Tuesday night was his last moment of life. the flash, quite possibly the ONLY warning sign that I could have picked up on. I mean, I knew what they were and somehow, I dismissed it. I feel so guilty because I have gone through this experience before. What kills me? This baby was longer, weighed more, and was two weeks earlier than my first son. My lame OB, at my first post pardum visit, tells me that this was for the best because think of all the things that could've been wrong with him. What?! She was telling me that I might have had to make an even harder decision had he been alive, etc. I can't even believe that she said some of the things she did. I mean, really. Many babies are born early and they do survive. I've lived the NICU experience, and yeah, we were lucky, but geez, unbelievable. I should've been coming in every week like my original OB would have done for me. There should've been a 24-hour protein screen and when a patient calls you that's high-risk complaining of certain things, you say, GO TO THE HOSPITAL jsut to be sure!!! I don't even know why I had an OB. I mean, I recognized the fact finally that something was wrong. Geez, if I had listened to her, this all would've happened at home and what a scene that would've been. Two sleeping kids and my husband freaking out! not to mention myself! Well, like I say, it's been 5 months. I can still remember every detail. I did have my tubes tied, another decision that I regret being only 29 years old. I was alone and that was the original plan. I wanted control over something that night, so I stuck to the plan. There was no time to discuss it once again with my husband and no time for anyone to reason with me about it. Since then, I've looked into IVF for myself and I'm too high risk. So, I've looked into surrogacy agencies and that's where I'm at. I somehow feel that I don't deserve anymore children, but I don't know. I never thought that I'd be here, in this situation. My religious friends say that God has a plan. That's probably true, but I also believe strongly in medical malpractice. And this isn't a third world country, it's the U.S. My OB messed up, but she's protected and I have talked to several lawyers and while they all say that there was some medical negligence on her part, it is a very complicated case to win. By the way, they couldn't get a urine sample from me for the longest time in the hospital. I started to DIC. Two weeks later, I still had high levels of protein in my urine, and a simple sample in a sup on a weekly basis would've shown that something was wrong. I went through this before and I knew every step. Was it my job to tell her what I needed? Apparently. Its tough. My husband does his best. There are tears everyday. Just yesterday, I was crying in the shower and my 3 year old heard me and said, "Mommy are you alright?" I try to grieve privately for my kids' sake. I mean, I have to be strong for them, but it's really hard sometimes. My parents don't act like anything has happened. They've moved on. Everyone has moved on, except for me. I know what I lost because I look at my kids everyday and I know. I definitely look at life differently now. I mean, I did after the whole NICU experience, but it's really changed now. Is there anyone out there who can no longer have children who is contemplating surrogacy? I'd love to chat with you.