March...we made it here once again. I can't believe it's going to be 6 years since our son became an angel. I mean, I just can't Belieb it! Justin Beiber was just 15 years old back then. Happy B-day Bieber! The calendar is the same as it was those years ago. This weekend was the weekend to go and get checked out at the hospital, but I didn't. Urgh... I thought waiting until the next appt would be okay as it was just days away. I called her that week super concerned and she wrote me off. Within hours, I rushed myself to the hospital in the dark and the rest, well, I'm still here living this alternate reality.
I did something this past week that I haven't done in a long time. I Googled my unwanted transferred care-to at 21 weeks while on bedrest negligent OB, to see what she was up to. Her practice is going well, her boys are growing up (same ages as mine), and then I clicked on patient testimonials dated after March of 2009. There were several there from high-risk mothers praising her for her attention and care, the extras that she did to ensure healthy outcomes. I shook my head and closed my eyes with the thought, "Do these women have their babies because I don't?" Was my loss, the OB's wake up call or learning curve? Hurts, just hurts. Her birthday is on February 19th. We are 10 years apart. I will remember that always as it was her birthday. It was the second and last prenatal visit I had with her while still carrying a viable baby boy. February 22nd is our wedding anniversary. This year, we celebrated 13 years of marriage and 20 years of togetherness. Unfortunately, this special day is encompassed in our pregnancy timeline and that strange feeling is still there. Still very much trying to separate the painful memories from the happy ones.
With six years of separation upon us, I have gained a lot: weight (so hard, but I'm not giving up), friendships, diagnosis, S$$$ load of therapies, online learning, some new appliances recently, and most important of all...perspective. I got through the February flashbacks okay. Heading into finals week. I could still tell you what I did, what I ate, what I wore all those years ago. I think, I hope to be the grandmother in the old rickety rocking chair retelling events as if they just happened. We have something very special planned for the boys on Naethyn's angelversary. T's ISP is the day before and I've rescheduled therapies, so that I can soley focus on all of my boys next weekend.
Sending love to other Share mommies this month! You and your angels are in my thoughts.
that feeling of surviving "the month" and being able to take a deep breath again...I am already dreading June...it's amazing how every little detail we can remember with such clarity. Can't wait to hear what the special surprise was! hugs Nicki
Sending love to you! I'm also sending many hugs to you Lindsay.
Sending you lots of hugs Lindsay. I too hate how some of the happiest moments of my life are overshadowed by the saddest. I am still trying to learn how to separate the good from the bad.
Lots of hugs,
Thinking of you during this tough time! I often do that as well, start to question deeply if my doctors would have done something different It my Sean would be around today. It's a tough road to go down. Sending you hugs!
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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