April is over and here we are in May. It poured early this morning and it's supposed to again tomorrow. Hopefully the boys will still get to keep their ride times. T will not ride if it's lightly sprinkling. April was Autism Awareness Month. I wanted to post something, but it's this whole other enormous journey that I just couldn't get it together. So much has transpired in the last 3 years. It has been challenging to keep it all straight. I was thinking that I might be finally approaching a stage where I was feeling a bit more confident with some of my choices. Then, opportunities strike and send me second-guessing (everything).
There are a few positions available for next school year that make me want to pounce. I must be crazy for wanting to pursue them as that leaves so much up in the air. I know it's totally fine to want to work for a paycheck, but it's the craziness of trying to make it work so that I can work! It's the same struggle I feel like I'm faced with every now and again. There are difficult days here and there, yes, it's true. We have been able to accomplish SO much more by my being available to drive here and there. The additional therapies are helping T. The online schooling is really flexible and I love it. T is super comfortable with computer-based learning. I think D misses some of the social although he's been busier in activities this year than he has his whole life. D is tired of coming along to therapy offices. I don't blame him. We are going to be cutting our therapy schedule in half over the summer months for sure.
A somewhat more reputable private autism school is opening up next Fall closer to our side of town. It's not far at all. It's near one of the job opportunities. The job is full-time. I haven't been full-time since 2005-2006, the year I was preggo with D. It's in one of my former Districts. I have mixed feelings about that. It's at the school where I taught summer school in 2008 and was baby planning for N. A few weeks ago, I drove by the autism school. I had a feeling I knew exactly where it was. There is remodeling happening on the inside. It's crunch time as this school is supposed to be ready to receive children the last week of July. Another mom friend whose son is already registered there said that the school is supposed to be getting new playground equipment. I sure hope so. Right now, It looks like a prison detention yard! Half rocks, great for kids with pica, and half grass on the other side. The tuition would eat up the entire scholarship too. I have a few weeks left to tour an existing campus to see what it looks like. It will be multiple-grade classrooms. I am not comfortable with my child being with a 7th or 8th grader. It comes down to this . . . what am I comfortable with and what does T need? Believe me, I ask myself that almost everyday. Am I doing enough? Is he getting enough? Is he missing out on a "typical" school experience?
We've had huge success with our current learning situation. We've made a lot of other sacrifices to be doing what we're doing. There is no handbook. I know that. Of course, it would be super great to just let someone else take the reins for awhile, but I'm scared. We tried that once before and spent a year cleaning up the mess. It is extremely hard to trust. Just because a school might say that it's such and such based does not mean that people are actually implementing and using the techniques correctly. It's a lot to trust people to do the right thing by your child (with Special Needs). If we were to try something else and it didn't work out, I'm not sure that I would have the energy to undo the bad. Pros and cons lists have been made a zillion times over in my head and on paper.
When I found the school, I knew exactly where I was. I laughed a little in disbelief and then became angry. The school is situated in the same plaza as the funeral service who handled N's cremation. When you park in the school's parking lot, you see the back of the funeral home. Yeah. It could be a sign, it could. I sort of believe in weird things like that. It's such a daily thing as it is. I'm not sure I want to be facing it every morning at drop off staring at the two white vans that retrieve bodies from hospital morgues. Yes, that's what I see and that's what I'm thinking. Which one of those vans picked up our son? The school is off of the road I exited to the freeway that I also took that fateful night. The funeral home is right across the street from the little farmer who sold me pumpkins for Halloween in 2008. There is a flood of memories right at this particular intersection for me that could be a bit too much. I've thought about taking an alternate route to avoid it all. It would be silly though, would it?
I'm trying to figure this all out so that I can be settled and enjoy summer. It's almost here! It's May 4th and I bought hubby a Star Wars tee in Spanish. He wore it this morning and dressed it up as much as he could. I told him to leave his jacket on if anyone admin questioned it. I laughed because while I don't really dress my children for school, I did dress my husband.
.....whew I need to catch my breath after reading that post!! That is a lot going on in your head! I am so glad you chose to write it all down for us. I feel like we all do this...special needs or not we are always weighing our options about what is the "best" for our child and the family as a whole, while trying to have some sort of life and identity of our own. I can only imagine how much harder that is when special considerations have to be made for one or both children you are caring for.
I hope you come to the right answer soon so that you are at peace and can begin planning for a great summer and school year, wherever that is!!
PS- I love May the 4th be with you as well!!
Lindsay - that's a lot to consider. My only advice is, once you have all the information, go with your gut instinct and then try not to look back. You know what T needs and what your family needs best and I know that you will make the right decision for all of you.
My guys are all in Star Wars today too - May the 4th be with you.
It sounds like a big decision coming your way, Lindsay. I am no help in this department, as I am super indecisive, especially with big decisions. I hope it doesn't sound too cliche, but whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family, because you will have made it very thoughtfully and with everyone in mind. Good luck and keep us posted!
So much thinking! I don't envy you the tough choices you have to make and will continue to make for your sons, but I know you're fully capable of making them. So funny about hubby's t-shirt. Administrators need to know that cultural experiences like this bring us all together!
Hope you figure everything out its so hard to lnow sometimes what is best when we question everything. Go with your gut instinct and evetything will work out. I think change is hard when we've been through what we've been through. Hugs to you. Nicki
Oh Lindsay so many decisions! Sometimes it is best not to think so much about it, and say yes to everything... Believe me I know the need to pursue a career maybe not just for money but for personal reasons, to be able to have professional discussions.
Ugh kind of bizarre a school near funeral services, so many negative memories in my opinion, big hug and good luck With your decision, I know it will be The best because you took it with best interest in your heart!
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