MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Lindsay's Latest

ON MY WAY TO HEALING (I THINK)

Well, I finished a few more pages in Naethyn's baby album and it's only taken me a year! I guess I've been worried that once I finished it, I'd feel worse. To look at his various ultrasound pictures and the pictures of him after he was newly delivered bring it all back to me. He was here, he existed, he mattered, he was EVERYTHING to us. So many plans we had for all three of our boys together as one big happy family. It was going to be such a sausage fest in my house and I'd be the odd one out. I loved it! I've been doing care gigs for families here and there. I've been sitting a 5-month old on Thursday evenings and he's just adorable! There are some older children there too and they are both really neat to be around. It gives me insight to see what 12 and 10 year olds are like. You forget . . . and I teach high school kids or I should say taught - contract still pending . . . A lady in my neighborhood contacted me recently. She has a 4 week old baby boy and she's gearing up to head back to work part-time at first, then maybe full-time. I've watched her son twice now and it's really neat! It's neat for me as I feel like I have been waiting to do this for such a long time. The only thing is . . . it's not my baby. I know that. It doesn't feel the same. I'm not his mommy; I'm his nanny. When she comes to pick him up, I'm not sad. He's not mine. It is a pleasure to watch him though and I think it's helping me heal. When mom came to pick up her little one, we had a chance to talk a bit. I was upfront and told her that we had lost a baby last year. Anyone that I am potentially going to be sitting for long-term, I tell. A one time care gig, I just don't bother going into it. I choose who I want to tell and when I do, I decide what details I want to share, etc. I do like that part about it. It's my story to tell. So, it was kind of nice to hear her say, "I can't imagine what it's been like for you." It actually made me feel good to know that even though we are just getting to know each other, my story and what happened to Naethyn has made an impact. People wonder and they do care. The only reason I think I am able to go on is for the sake of my other kids. I refuse to let this horrible thing affect them. I made a decision early on that I wouldn't turn into the basketcase mom. Sure, I have PLENTY of days where I've had 2-3 cups of coffee and want to go straight to bed. That lethargic feeling in the middle of the afternoon or sometimes all day long and that sick to your stomach feeling. I still have those days. I know that I will soon be finished with his album. It's the best and worst album I've ever done. I think about sharing it with his brothers one day. I think about the look on my second son's face when he sees the pics of his little brother. A sibling he was too young to be aware of, too young to know what was going on. I wonder how he will feel, how he'll take the news. It's going to be so strange for him. I know if my parents told me that I had a younger sibling that didn't make it, I'd be totally thrown! I'll have to wait and see. That's what is interesting about this whole thing - it's not over. It's never going to be over for me. He'll always be there in my mind and in my heart forever. Love you, Mommy

  • I've been working on my daughters' photo book as well.  Sometimes it is heartbreaking, other times very terapeutic and I can look at their tiny little faces and smile.  I've just got to go in and edit it and then I'm done.  But I'm not freaking out yet.  I have a really nice photo album my brother got for me so I still have more of their things to work on.  Who knows, maybe it'll take me another full year before I "finish" that one.  But I'm going to keep on taking pictures, of things that remind me of my girls, of special things we do for them so their story will continue forever.

    Stacy

  • I felt that way about the memory books I made for my sons. It was hard when they were finished because I knew there would be no more pictures, no more stories, no more memories. I had bought so many scrapbooks and pages and embellishment for little boys during the five months I was pregnant. I cropped ALL my other pictures so I'd have plenty of time for baby books. And I ended up with only 21 weeks and 5 days of memories. So hard!

    You are a wonderful mom. Your focus on taking care of them is remarkable. I, too, wonder what it will be like for you children when they learn about their angel brother. I think about that, too.

    Shannon

  • Thank you Stacy and Shannon.  Shannon, I remember reading in one of your entries you stating that you had finished your boys' albums.  I was hoping to find the courage to start then, but I guess I wasn't ready.  It's funny when you know it's time.  I'm definitely taking my time going through the stages of grief which I think is a good thing.  Emotional breakdown on the kitchen floor pending in the next 20 years . . . I hope not.

  • I haven't even started either of my girls' albums and it's been almost 7 years now.  I just can't figure out how to best take care of that.....One day.

    Tracy

  • Hi Lindsey~

      I think it's great that you've been able to scrap a little more for Naethyn.  I can't imagine how hard it is working on his album.  I think you're so brave and strong.  I know that some day, when your boys are all grown up and see Naethyn's book they'll too marvel at your strength during this time.  Thanks for being an inspiration to so many :)

                           *sending smiles your way*

                                           Julie

  • Hey Linds~ do you have facebook? It'd be way easier to leave you messages!  I think that Chapel Hill is about 3 hours from where I live in NC.  I'm closer to the Outer Banks and Nags Head area.  I've heard there is a really good medical facility there though.

    As for MY weightloss issues.  I've struggled with my weight my whole life.. and I've tried everything.  I have no will power to exercise so I basically never lost much weight.  I heard about taking HCG injections on the radio.  It's expensive (like $1,000 once you add in the lab tests and Dr. fees).  I think it was well worth it though.  If I added up all the money that I've put into diets in the past it would more than equal out.  I had mine on a payment plan so I only needed $350 down so that was better.  I wrote about it in my blog, but when I started on February 8th, I weighed 173lbs, today I weigh 140.5... that's a big difference.  I started out wearing size 12/14 and am now in an 8 :)  I'd recommend it if you have the $$... it's the best thing I've ever did for myself- and you don't have to excersize!!  I don't work for them or anything like that, but I'd love to give you more info if you'd like :)

    If you have facebook, you can find me under

    Julie Schaffner  or Julie Mitchell... it says I live in VA beach though I think.  Hope to hear from you soon! :)