Share Your Story

Hi everyone! I shared my story back in March '09 after I lost my little Naethyn. I wish I had known about Share when I had my first son (born at 32 weeks). It really would've helped A LOT! I remember sitting at home for weeks ALONE after having him. My body ached and my *** hurts. It was so hard to drink and pump for a baby that I only saw for a few hours everyday. I remember waiting for my husband to get home, so that we could go to the hospital. We went after the evening shift change. We found that the nurses were friendlier in the p.m. My husband was working and my parents weren't retired yet (not that they are hands-on grandparents anyway if they had been), and everyone's life seemed to just move right along. My son was able to come home after several weeks in 2 different NICU's and ALONE again with a little tiny person. I think of buying deli at the deli counter and geez, 3 pounds isn't much, you know? So, it's just been crazy! I mean, I had 3 babies in 3 1/2 years! That's kind of fast, but I wanted my kids close in age. I wanted to get the diapering thing over with in one stage and then watch them all grow up together. I had severe pre-eclampsia with all 3 babies. I'm lucky that I have any children at all apparently. I had bloodwork done last Dec. when we found out that it was third boy. Results came back Jan. 8th, 2009 and which basically spelled out doom. I was doomed from that day forward. I found out that I have Factor V leiden and this MTHFR both heterozygeous. The Specialist wanted my on a Heprin pump to which I declined. I think I actually saved my own life by NOT doing it and at times I feel guilty that I am still living myself. That same dreaded day my OB whom I had for all three pregnancies says that he's being let go due to the economy, etc. I mean, I knew that this wasn't going to turn out well. I can't change anything that happened. That hurts the most. I wanted this baby so much. Naethyn was going to complete our family. I feel so empty. I want to hold a baby desperately and then when I see pregnant women or infants, it's really hard. I'm not jealous or resentful, it's just hard. My sister, who is 4 years older than I, is pregnant. She's due in October, on her birthday in fact. We haven't been close in years. I think what shocks me is the overall lack of interest from my sister and my parents. I mean, she is awaiting the most exciting things in her life. My parents are excited for her of course. No one in my family even aknowledges what's happened. I mean, my parents lost a grandson, my sister a nephew, and they don't act like anything has happened. It's really hurtful. My mom calls me now and then and she's happy as ever on the phone. I guess, expecting me to be just as cheery. Come on people! Wake up! I guess you really have to have gone through it to get it OR people are so cold hearted. I'm not sure, maybe a bit of both. I have gotten more kindness from absolute strangers than from my own family members. Hell, I almost died. I sometimes think they wouldn't act any differently if I had died. Maybe my parents would call to make sure my husband could make the mortgage payment, but other than that, I doubt it. And, that makes me feel so sad. I just could never be that cold. It's so true that people don't know what to say. If I do mention what's happened, I have to be careful about my word choice. I didn't have a miscarriage, my baby was stillborn AND there is a huge difference no offense. It's still a loss, but in terms of gestation it's different. So, for the last 5 1/2 months, I've kept to myself. I get out though. I go grocery shopping with the kids, I tutor a student every now and then, and I attended a conference on foreign travel. I even went to my friend's wedding on the weekend that I had originally planned for my own baby shower. Shoot, 2 months after this happened, I visited my alma mater and became the guest speaker. I gave a presentation on one of my host family exchanges. Wouldn't you know, that a Senior was giving her oral test that day. She had read a book called "Die Weisse Rosen" or something. Anyway, one of the vocab. words on the board was the German verb "leiden." I almost freaked out!!! Of course, it means "to suffer." So, Factor V Leiden is to suffer from blood clots. Great. I am getting out. I am trying. I don't know what people expect, but people can suck sometimes and they're lucky they don't know this pain. It's awful! So, another thing that bothers me is the pregnancy test commericals. I just feel so old. That part of my life is over and I'm only 29! I almost wish that I had gotten pregnant as a teenager. Maybe my babies would've been born healthier and lived. I met my husband in high school. We waited to start a family and everything. It's all happened so fast! I met with an IVF doc in July (researching surrogacy) and he said that I should've waited at least 1 year and a half each time before getting pregnant. My OB never said anything like that. I knew to wait at least a year to give my body some time. Oh well. Can't do anything about that now. Well, I have started a scrapbook for my precious angel. I bought it in advance and everything. I even bought diapers last October. I was so ready for him! My husband and I broke down the crib a month ago. It's hard. I just couldn't keep staring at an empty crib. We made the nursery into a playroom for our other two. They like it, but it's hard to be in there. Everytime the closet doors are open, I see the numerous oufits that he'll never wear. I miss him. I wish that he was here with us. I wish the circumstances of my whole situation had been different. I am trying to stay strong for my kids, but it isn't easy. I almost feel guilty when I do laugh or smile. I know that it's okay to, but I'm not ready to move along like I know so many people want me to. They just don't get it. I'm going to keep up with the blog. I've chimed in several times, but I think I really need to do this for myself, for Naethyn, and for my family.