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You know, just when you think you've confronted all of the people who knew you were pregnant, you forget about people like the bank teller. There's a local bank by my house that I use all the time. I drive-thru because of the kids when I make deposits and things. There is an older woman, maybe a manager, who I get regularly. She recognizes me and the boys in the backseat and always gives them lolly pops (one is too young for them, but my oldest is happy to have extras). Well, this time last year, she persuaded me to sign up for the rewards program with the bank, etc. We got to talking and because I was so happy about being pregnant, I told her. Normally, I'm not the kind of person to just volunteer that, but I was so happy! So, I went to the bank last week and I saw her through the window. I actually hadn't seen her in all this time and it had dawned on me just then. The last time I saw this woman was a year ago and I was pregnant! So, I fake the smile and I do my little transation and then she says, would they like some lolly pops today? I say of course, and then she says without knowing, "How many do you have back there, just 2 boys?" My eyes just instantly filled up with tears. She's saying how sorry she is and I was able to clear my throat and wipe away the tears in order to tell her that I had a third son, but he passed away in March. I drove away crying. Urgh. I mean, people don't know and they can't really understand unless they've been through this. So hard. I am thankful that my little ones are napping right now, so that I can get some tears and words out. This has been a hard week. I am trying to be strong. I'm trying to become involved in things, but sometimes I stop myself and think, I'm just fooling myself here. I am so NOT okay. I'm not "over this" at all. I'm so angry at my lame OB. My family has been changed forever. The very fact that I spend so much time thinking about my loss and not enjoying what every new mom should. I often think, does she think about her former patients, the ones whom she lost on the table and or their babies? Does it keep her up at night? Does she take AMBIEN? I went into school yesterday to pick up my oldest from the little pre-school they have on campus. I haven't gone into the front office since May. I don't want to see people. I don't want to walk by my former classroom. Well, I did because it was a passing period and I didn't want to walk through the sea of teenagers, so I thought I'd wait it out a few minutes. I really hate it when people tell you that you look good. I know, they just don't know what to say. They have NO CLUE. They don't know that you cry every time you get into your car, that you sob on the computer, on the toilet, in bed, while your other kids are playing, EVERYWHERE! They don't know your sleepless nights, the headaches, the anxiety that you feel and the GUILT (even though I know it's not my fault). You've just taken a shower, you're in clean clothes, you've dried your hair, so, you look good. Well, what are you going to do? I'll make sure that I leave myself plenty of time to make it to the school before passing period. I don't think I have the patience for that. Kudos to all of you who have gone back to work after your loss. I just couldn't do it. I'm afraid I'd curse out a student or something or totally overreact. I'm still in that instant tears stage and it's been 7 months. All somebody has to do is ask me how I am and the tears come. Urgh. I made an appointment for a "new" family photo on November 7th. It's an outside setting. Hopefully we'll get a good one, and hope I have the strength to smile for real.