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I had a wellness visit recently. Been seeing the same family practice doctor for the past 5 years. I was rushing a bit to get to the appointment and would be rushing afterwards to drive to an autism conference downtown. I was handed a short questionnaire to fill out. As I'm trying to read and do that, the nurse starts in with her usual questions. She threw in a few new ones now that I'm slowly entering that next age bracket. I just put down the stupid clipboard as trying to read, listen, and answer hers was becoming too much. Then, she asked THAT question: How many children do you have? It's come up more times than I care to count. It's a general question, but shouldn't that information already been in my file somewhere on that laptop? The thought might be that they just want to have updated records, but I'm in the office at least every 6 months for BP checks. Surely, there have been no new additions.

Well, it got me upset. I gave my standard answer and said, "I have 2 of 3." Next, it was time to check BP. I asked for the larger cuff and was told that the velcro on that one was worn. The relatively new office building had just undergone a major 2-year renovation. I guess there wasn't enough money in the budget to purchase a new large cuff for my huge arms. I knew that it was going to be high as I felt myself getting really anxious. Yep, it was. Now, it wasn't scary high like it had been years ago or like when I had pre-E, but it was elevated for me. Then, she tells me that we must do an EKG. Um no, we aren't doing that I told her. We've done a few in the past when I was prepping for a procedure that never happened. Plus, I was there for a well woman exam. I knew darn well that EKGs were not covered. I almost feel like it's just a way to get more money from the patient.

The nurse left and as I'm undressing, comes back into the room to tell me that it wasn't necessary to do a full wellness exam because last year's results were normal. The doctor was offering to just do a physical. I am thinking it's so that the doctor can charge me for a physical as she now knows that I've declined the EKG. I told her no. I had scheduled this appointment two months ago. I was already naked, trimmed, and polished. We're doing this! The doctor came in and didn't say too much to me. I know that I should be grateful to have the crappy plan that I have through my husband's employer, but I so have issues with healthcare and providers. I don't trust doctors (to know best). I don't trust that they are truly concerned about the patient's well-being. Many just want to bill accordingly and show up to get paid.

It's crazy that this brief encounter at a medical office can trigger so many feelings and thoughts. As I drove to the conference, many experiences ran through my head. I thought about my deliveries, the doctors and specialists, . . . and our angel Naethyn. I get upset because it was a doctor with whom I put all of my trust and concerns. They were dismissed and violated. It's been over 7.5 years and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about him. His older siblings talk about him as if he's a family member who hasn't visited in awhile. I think about all of the things I'd be doing with all three here. I had such awesome ideas for Halloween costumes in three's too. Well, I'm so thankful to have an official day recognized on the calendar this month when parents can celebrate, honor, and remember their babies and children. Others will never understand the bond that exists beyond death and how extremely hurtful one question can be. On October 15th, I'll be lighting a candle for my angel and thinking about all of the other loss parents whom I've met along this lifelong journey through grief.