MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Lindsay's Latest

THIS CLOSET . . .

Aaah, September. It isn't too difficult to take myself back to three years ago. This room, now transformed into a playroom for his brothers, was ready to welcome another precious being. Still haven't brought myself to change the color of paint or take down the wallpaper. This closet . . . it keeps many things safe for me, but it is truly a part of my life still frozen in time. I open it now and again. We had a garage sale during the first part of summer. I was able to let go of a few items and clothes that had already gotten their share of washings and spot treatments. When I do slide a door open, I see the new changing mat we purchased and the green and blue chenille covers. The clothes, the clothes . . . we didn't know what size he'd be. I washed up the preemie sizes just in case and had it all ready in a drawer like any expectant mom with time would do. Will these clothes ever get used again by another baby or child? Of course, but the reality is . . . it may not be one of our own. So happy for so many new moms out there and ones on the way:) What do you do when you want more, but are literally scared to death that it might kill you too? Such a decision we made 2 1/2 years ago. One that should have never been made under such circumstances. I've lost 5 more pounds. That's it. My classroom is on the second floor, so everyday I attack those stairs! I'm fitting into my work clothes from a few years ago, so it's like I have a new wardrobe again. I literally found clothes in a dry cleaning bag that I had put there back in December of 2008!!! So many more pounds to lose before I can really make a decision about the surgery.

  • I feel you I want more and scared to death.  The guilt I still feel as the mommy of and angel is rough, and I would never want to replace Trinity.  ending you many hugs!  Love ya girl

    lots of love,

    Samantha

  • I'm with you too Lindsay.  Why does it all have to be so hard? I'll never understand why some people have the easiest time, and some do not.  I do know that you are one amazingly strong woman and that you make your little Naethyn proud every day that you're his mommy... and always will be.  Can't wait to see you at SU :D Stay strong girl!!

    (((hugs)))

    Julie

  • Lindsay,

    Right there with ya.  I wish things were easier and simplier....but we now see this world with a  new set of eyes.

    wondering whether we'll be blessed with another child can be so heartbreaking.  I cling to the idea of gettting pregnant again....but as more and more obstacles are set in my path, i become discouraged and wonder whether 'someone' is trying to tell me that another baby is not meant for me.  I wonder if the heartbreak and loss we endured (and still endure today) after losing Liam might happen again if i were to force another pregnancy.  It's so hard to realize we're not in control...

    I have a closet just like yours- you're not alone.

    btw, congrats on losing 5 pounds!  keep up the good work.

    Jennifer

  • O dear Lindsay sending you a big hug....... I think you have to take your time with your decision about the clothes and the things of your angel..... I am no help there, we had little things for my angel, and I thought I have all the time to do the nursery....so no rush.....but the truth was  there was no time for me or for her....

    About the scare part of having another baby, it is your decision, and what you feel it is right for you, never, will other baby will replace your angel or your pain, that is for sure, I can tell you that. We took the decision of having other baby with my DH, because I didn't want my son to be only child, he kept asking for a brother, if I was scare? yes all the time despite it has been many years.... a pregnancy after a loss is so hard....and I also had that "full term marvelous pregnancy dream" we angel and preemie mothers have, I know many have it, but for me no way, my OB was very honest with us, he told me he can't promise a full term pregnancy, and no Dr. in the world can,  he can only promise us to try to arrive to the more viable weeks for the new baby.....so we knew it, that the odds were against  us, and that anything could happen.... and poor miss V we didn't bought her anything until she was home with us........

    So what else can I tell you? That as a friend I offer you my support on any decision that you take, and that there is no pressure..... I understand how you are feeling......

    big hug

    Lorena

  • Thank you ladies:)  I truly appreciate the support and I know you are all right there with me.

    Many hugs,

    Lindsay