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I was watching the TV show "The Chew" earlier today.  It's a cheesy daytime cooking/food/decorating talk show that's on that can be somewhat entertaining.  Anyway - one of the hosts, Daphne Oz, is pregnant....and that's what triggered today's post...

It's the same song and dance.  A different blog post about it.  Different wording to describe the feelings.  But it's the same.  Will the song ever stop playing in my head?  Maybe someday.  I think because of where I am right now with trying to conceive, the feelings are just a bit stronger.  My body is not cooperating.  While I took a couple of steps forward in getting a cycle back earlier in the year, it seems my body has taken a step back.  I have a plan in place w/ my OBGYN, and that makes me feel better, but the step back messes with my mind. 

I'm trying to decide what sparks the feeling I get when I see a pregnant woman.  Is it the fact that my first pregnancy ended in tragedy, with the loss of Marco?  Or is it the fact that I am having a difficult time conceiving another child?  Or both maybe?  I'm assuming it's both, though I think it probably has more to do with the loss of Marco and the glasses of grief that I look at the world  through now.  I wish I could take those glasses off and throw them away.  Or get Lasik!  But that will never happen.  There is no procedure or treatment that can ever remove those glasses.  They are permanently fixed.  I will forever wonder what it would be like to live without them.

Of course whenever I write a post about the desire to have more children, I always feel the need to throw in the disclaimer that I feel guilty even talking about it because of how grateful I am for Lucia.  But I know, that the desire to have more children is separate from my gratefulness for Lucia.  Two separate things.  Just as my grief of the loss of Marco is separate from both of those too.  I am human, and this is how I feel, and so I'm just putting it out there...laying it out.  Trying to humbly wear my heart on my sleeve.

I did have a nice talk with Bruno last weekend on a date night.  He talked about his thoughts/hope on how things will work out, and that helped.  It always helps to hear about his hope.  It helped me poke some holes in the clouds of fear that have been hovering.  The sun is shining through a bit more now. 

I'm trying to figure out what this blog post is all about.  I guess it all circles back to the complexity of it all.  The sadness, anger, grief, fear, hope, happiness, gratefulness, joy.  The conversion of all those feelings.  The constant balancing act that will mostly likely forever be ongoing to balance them all out. Thank goodness for this platform - Share - a safe place where we can "blog it out" and get validation.  

Marco, though you gave me these glasses of grief, you also made sure that they were custom-made.  You made an adjustment to the lenses that allows me to see more beauty in the world, and to be more grateful for the gifts that I have been given.  Thank you for making sure that my glasses were special.  I love you, angel.

p.s. Speaking of my gratefulness for Lucia - I've included a few updated pics of her.  She is such a fun, busy little girl these days.  Her zest for life never ceases to amaze me :)