MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

EVENTUALLY

Eventually I will ovulate or get my period. Eventually I will have a child. Eventually my heart will ache less. Eventually I will be able to rock my child to sleep and read a book to him or her. Eventually I will get to watch my husband teach our child how to play soccer. Eventually I will watch our child chase our cute little beagles around our little townhouse. I will not let go of the hope that eventually...I will get to live the dreams I am having now. A few months ago, when I was having a pretty hard time with everything, my sister and I were talking about how I felt like I was in a ditch. At the time, she wrote this to me in an email. Tonight I just feel like sharing it: "The ditch, I am certain, is dark and hideous, a fat, bulbous beast with big teeth that have bitten in and won't let go. The beast is strong and he can whip you around now. There is no sun light down there, no water, and it's damn cold. It's empty and muddy....no flowers or food, no beer, no tater tots, or corn on the cob, no summer grilles or Christmas trees, no sunny days in Bethany Beach. No red wine or chocolate. With time, the ditch will get smaller, sun will start to shine, maybe some chocolate will trickle in, twinkies, a nice breeze, Cookies 'n Cream (Giant brand). The beast's teeth will have fallen out and it will shrivel into something like a little pink earthwork that will just wiggle around and dig to get out of the sun. The worm will pop it's head up every now and then, it will maybe come out of the hole for days or hours at a time, but then it will dig back into the darkness. The sun will get brighter, there will be chocolate and wine, good pasta, and it won't be empty anymore...then the ditch will be gone. It will remain maybe a large patch of dirt in a field of wild flowers. That earthwork will resurface at times, then dig back down. The beast will be gone." I found that as I was looking at some old emails tonight and just thought it was pretty powerful. Things are getting better and the ditch is getting smaller. The sun is shining more frequently. It is a work in progress, but I am getting stronger and finding peace. Right now the struggle is in finding peace with my body (specifically my reproductive system). I need to stop feeling like I'm at war with it and have faith that eventually...the stars will align :) Marco - you have taught me to be strong and to be even more thankful for all of the good things in my life. Thank you for that. I love you.

  • Libby -

    That was awesome.  Thank you for your words.  I really would love to meet you someday.  I read your posts and get so much from them.  Thank you.  It's just helpful to know that someone else out there is on the same roller coaster.

    I was thinking today that I wonder how much more insightful we are after what we have been through.  It's almost like I have been given another lense to look at life.  I see people differently.  I live differently.  

    I am glad that you are getting out of that ditch.  I hated the ditch.  

    Hugs to you.

    Zsuzsi

  • Libby,

       Thank you so much for sharing your sisters email with us.  I'm so glad that the ditch is getting smaller for you, that you're able to see the pretty things in life easier now.  It's so tough just to have faith and believe that things will align for us when we want so badly to have a baby to hold in our arms.  I'm struggling to find peace with my body as well, and this week I think I'm starting to get some level of it.  Thinking of you and your little Marco as always. :)

    Stacy

  • This was beautiful Lib.  I so happy you are surrounded by love and support.  I hope you know it's with you in everyone you know.  Love you lots honey...

  • What a good sister you have! How could she be so right?

    Thanks for sharing her very appropriate image with us.

    Shannon

  • I love you Libby, you are so strong.  With every day that you live life, with every blog that you post, every day that you get out of bed and go about your business,...you are filling in that ditch and making it smaller.  Bit by bit, hour by hour.  It is hard work I am sure, the most painful work you have had to do in your life.  We are all here for you and I hope that our love and support gives you the strength to move toward the light and out of the darkness.   Those words about the ditch and the hideous beast were from the heart, I try to walk in your shoes the best I can, to mourn with you.  Marco touched my life.  The way you you mothered him when he was in your womb and after he was born taught me some important things.   I miss you little Marco and I wish you were here....

    Lisa

  • Eventually is so appropriate, because it will happen. We cannot lose hope...because at the end of the day, that is all that is left.

    Always have faith!