I'm doing some MUCH needed filing of paper in my house (isn't that what everyone wants to do on their day off??). I have a large pile that I've been sorting here over the last 30 minutes, and I just came across one that took me aback and stopped me. It's my statement from the sonogram I had back in early February when I was pregnant and going through a miscarriage.
I've been thinking about that pregnancy a bit more lately, because my due date would have been at the beginning of October. That's right - if things would have gone right, I'd have a brand-spankin' new newborn in my house right now, and I wouldn't be sorting papers or typing this blog post.
The pregnancy really ended right as it began. I had started spotting the day I found out I was pregnant. At first I thought it was just implantation bleeding, as I experienced that with both Marco and Lucia. But, when I started bleeding heavier late that night and the next day, I knew in my heart that it was over - though over completely, it was not. I still had to endure weeks of blood tests and one sonogram just to confirm. My blood levels decided to play a trick on me and rise slightly during that first week. They thought maybe it was ectopic, hence the sonogram, but alas it was not. I still remember watching the screen during the sonogram. A perfectly empty uterus. I was happy to see that, in that it helped eliminate some questions relative to the situation, but it was sad too - a life I thought would be there just a couple of weeks prior wasn't.
I feel like it's been hard for me to count this as a miscarriage, because I feel like I was barely pregnant. But this statement from my sonogram that I came across today "OB SONO UNDER 13 WKS" is evidence. It's evidence that I did have a positive home pregnancy test and that I did have a positive blood test. I did have hopes and dreams for this time of year that are now dashed. I had a loss. Another loss.
On the upside, this statement is a reminder of HOPE. Hope that I was able to conceive again after Lucia, and that I will be able to conceive again in the future. I have to believe and have hope, and this statement is a reminder of that.
Marco, thank you for leading me to this reminder today. Thank you for reminding me that I did conceive again, for reminding me that it's ok to feel sad for that loss, and that I need to have hope for another healthy, living baby in the future. I love you, angel.
I am thinking of you. As mother's we begin to hope and dream for our children the moment we conceive them in our minds. There is nothing more devastating than when those hopes and dreams are crushed. I think of you often and send you lots of baby dust and prayers.
I get it, Libby. I totally get it. That feeling that something should be here right about now, someone is missing. I know you feel that a thousand times more when you think about Marco, but that miscarried baby was real too, and you are grieving that loss too.
So much love coming to you,
Hugs to you. I felt like you were describing the miscarriage I had before I got pregnant with Scott. Mine was so similar. I hope that things work out for you and that you are able to get pregnant and carry your baby to term. Nicki
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