MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

FALL IS IN THE AIR

Fall is in the air. I can feel it. I love the fall. It’s my favorite season…one of the things I love the most about living in the DC area. It’s really just beautiful here. This year the fall comes with a whole new set of emotions though because Marco’s birthday is in the fall. Exactly 1 month from today. Thank God that I’ll be at Share Union the weekend before his birthday. I think it’s going to be very healing for me to be surrounded by all of you amazing women right around that time. On another note, Bruno and I had a talk last weekend and have decided to put TTC on hold. We’re not going to avoid pregnancy, but we’re just not going to do any testing, temping, medicine. Just go about things as if we weren’t TTC. I think that my sadness over the loss of Marco complicated with the stress of not getting pregnant was starting to get to Bruno. Our marriage has to come first. I feel like I’m at a place where I’m ok with this decision. We made it together. I imagine TTC will only stay on hold through the rest of the year and then we can pick it up again in January. Of course, in my mind, I’m viewing this as another tactic. Like, maybe if I really do relax and let go, I’ll get pregnant. Who knows though, maybe I really will be able to fully let go for a little while. We’ll see. We were at a wedding on Saturday. There were a few moments that were pretty emotional for me. There was a couple who had a little baby boy who looked very new. They were dancing to one of the slow songs with the little one in between them. It was so sweet, but it just made my heart ache for Marco. I'm re-posting this poem that I posted last year shortly after Marco died, I just think it's beautiful: Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glintz on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awake in the morning's hush, I am the soft, uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circling flight. I am the soft star that shines at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die. -Mary Frye I love you and miss you Marco, my sweet angel. Ok - I'm adding onto this blog post. My neighborhood is having a Labor Day bbq starting right about now. There are so many kids!!!!! I'm just having a hard time gearing up for this. Bruno doesn't really want to go. I don't want to be anti-social though. SIGH. Being an angel mom is sooooo hard sometimes.

  • Thinking of you (and totally looking forward to seeing you at SU!!!)

    Lauren

  • Libby,

    I think that's a very mature and thoughtful decision- one which i've been thinking about making myself.  my obsession with ttc has become exhausting....it almost transforms you into someone else and prohibits you from living life.  

    i hope your 'break' will help your body relax and give it what it needs for a baby.

    Fall was also my favorite season, my husband and i both loved autumn so much we got married Oct 17th- but with Liam's EDD Oct 23 and then arriving 3 months early- things have sorta changed for me.  I hated fall last year- but i'm hoping one day to appreciate it like i used to.

    :)

    Jennifer

  • I can't wait to see you at SU!!  

    Don't forget to post in the Who's Who SU style folder so that everyone can gear up for meeting you too!!  

    Tracy

  • I love that poem! Will add to my list of favorites. Such heartfelt words.

    I am so sorry the fall brings that deep ache in your heart. I wish you were holding him tight instead of missing him so much.

    Gosh, I would have had to leave if I saw the scene with the couple and the baby. Those are the kinds of moments that get to me too, because I will always wonder what they would have been like with two.

    I agree, being an angel mom is so difficult, full of moments of deep sadness, uncontrollable tears, and every other emotion.

    Thinking of you as you anticipate Marco's birthday.

    Hugs,

    Kami

  • Libby -

    Your last line says it all to well "being an angel mom is so hard sometime."  Yes, yes it is.  

    I love that poem.  I agree 100%.  Marco and Zachary are still with us -- in the breeze, the ladybugs, the hummingbirds......we are surrounded.  They feel our love and we do feel ours.....

    O Libby......UGH!!!!!!  

    Sooooooo looking forward to being your roomie at SHARE REUNION!!  Yippppeeeee.....

    -Zsuzsi

  • Libby,

    I so agree with you... It is so very hard to be an angel Mommy!

    As usual you said it all again... My husband and I were just talking about it last night. We have decided to stop TTC until January too. I also am not looking forward to the the one year mark... It will be New Years and I think Christmas will be affected by it too. Last year at Christmas I was still pregnant and happy, not knowing what will happen in 10 days...

    I am glad that you will be at the SU. the week before Marco's angelverssary. It will be easier for you to embrace it. I am sure that all of you galls will have a great time.

    I am looking forward to seeing pictures and exiting blog entries..

    The poem is beautiful, I remember it from the first time you posted it. Our precious angels are all around us... Even though we all want them in our arms:-(

    Lots of Hugs to you,

    Julia

  • Libby,

       Hugs to you!  It's so hard being an angel mom!  I can't wait to give you a big hug at SU!  Lol, us TTC'ers always with the tactics!!  I totally did the same thing.  I'm glad that you both were able to come up with a decision and a plan, though I'm sure it was hard to decide to stop for awhile.  It'll be nice to be able to concentrate on just the two of you instead of all the stress of TTC for a bit.  Oh wow on the wedding moment, what a peaceful thing to do, and something I know we all long to be able to do with our little one.  Tons of hugs coming your way!  

    Thank you for sharing that poem, it is so beautiful and so true!

    Stacy

  • Being an angel mom is so hard all the time. I'm looking forward to seeing you in October, especially if it can ease some of the pain of Marco's birthday. I hope that taking some of the pressure off your marriage helps you go forward.

    Shannon

  • I love that poem!!! I can't wait to meet you at SU!!!

    Katie

  • Leeb, I'm so glad that you have found these amazing women on Share and that you will be able to go to the Share Union.  The timing of the weekend could not have been better.  I have to go blow my nose now as your post gave me more tears!!

    Love you