MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

FEELING A BIT SAD

Is it the holidays? I don’t know. I am just feeling a bit sad today. I started decorating for Christmas last night. My parents had given me a beautifully painted wooden egg for Marco at Easter this year. I have had it in the little Easter basket it came in on a shelf in our family room since they gave it to us. When putting the Christmas decorations out, I felt I had to move it – I guess because the little basket it’s in looks so Eastery – and it really just looks like an Easter decoration…it’s so much more though. I didn’t know where to put it. I didn’t want to put it away, so I just put it up in Lucia’s room for now. I guess what I need to do is to get some type of display holder to put it in. I wonder if they make such a thing to hold decorative eggs?? Anyway – if it were just on a nice display-thing, I would definitely keep it out year-round. It’s just so sad that I even have to think about these things. Losing a baby is just so sad…any way you slice it…it’s just sad. I miss Marco. I miss the dreams we had when I was pregnant with him and the innocence in us. Sometimes I wonder how we got through those first months without him, especially the holidays. It is our reality that Marco is not here with us. As those of us who were at SU this year learned – though “acceptance” may never be possible, “integration” may be possible. I definitely feel like I have integrated this loss into my life as best I can at this point, but as you angel mommies know – there are just days. Days where we wonder “WHY”?????!!! Then there’s the guilt…the guilt that I shouldn’t feel like this since Lucia is here. That’s not good though, because we all know that a subsequent baby can never replace our lost baby…but I’m so happy that Lucia is here…she’s amazing, and her smile melts my heart. I still miss Marco though, and love him just as much. It’s all so complex! There’s some other stuff going on that is making me sad too. Ugh! I’m so sad!! I guess that’s just life. Oh well – anyway – I guess that’s enough sadness for today. I’m hoping that by writing this out that it will help me perk up a little today. I started writing this post earlier today...and now about 6 hours later am finishing it...now that I’ve had more time to think…maybe I’ll just go ahead and leave the egg out – Easter basket and all :) Marco – I love you so much. I miss you every day. Every night when I put Lucia to bed, I ask God to bless her and you, her brother. I’m going to find a way to display your beautiful little egg at all times on our main floor :)

  • First... there are totally egg holder display thingies.  The egg can be on display year round no worries. :)

    I totally get your sadness... it is sad.. in every facet.  Most sad the random things that just take so much more of every part of you.  No action is simple after loss.  Each carries such weight.

    xoxoxoxox

    Lauren

  • Check out www.bestpysanky.com. I would have pasted the link but it keeps not working for some reason. My mom has all these Ukranian Easter eggs and I know she has bought beautiful egg holders there.

    All for feeling sad. I get it, it is complex... Too complex. I am always missing Baron, but some days are worse than others. And I feel so blessed to have Gigi but I worry if I will project that she is not enough on her. Or will she think I loved Baron more...

    None of it is fair and it's so hard to wrap your head around grief.

    I hope you find a beautiful holder that can display Marco's egg

    Brooke

  • I know what you mean by those sad days.  The holidays are especially difficult I know.  I hope that you are able to find a special holder, so that you can keep that egg safe, and feel comfortable displaying it all year long.  This will be a very special holiday for you, Bruno, and Lucia.  I hope that you will find more ways to celebrate as you continue to navigate and integrate:)

    Lots of love,

    Lindsay

  • I wish there was a way to take the pain away. Just know that we are always here for you.

    Katie

  • Holidays are sad moments..... Specially when you see all that is missing in the holidays......I used to try to avoid the "happiness" of the time, but with S I learnt that even though sometimes I am sad, I have someone else to be happy for, I mean I didn't want my kid to have sad holidays because of me, so I try to make my best effort and cheer up for him, having other child is like a safeguard that keep us afloat, and I am sure Marco sent you Lucia  to cheer you up.....hope you find a nice egg holder and know that Marco is with you and your family everytime because he is in your heart always.....

    Sending you big hugs, and thinking of you

    Lorena

  • Girl....leave that egg out if you want.....those who know you will totally understand and those who don't get the opportunity to hear about your amazing little man!!  The holidays are tough for me too....even 8 years later.  Taylor is a huge part of our daily lives in spirit, but as you understand, I wish she was here physically too.

    Hugs to you and that precious little girl!

    Tracy

  • Libby- I say leave Marco's egg out! :)

    Lately I've been reflecting on my grieving, my transformation over the last 2.5 years.  It's such a dynamic thing; and it's so hard to believe where I'm at now in this grieving process when i think about where i came from....back in the beginning, back when everything was so bleak.

    At my support group's tree lighting ceremony last week i was struck when an older couple came forward to place their ornament on the tree.  they had to be in their seventy's- it made me sad to think that in 40 years i'll still be a mother who lost her baby....it also made me reflect on what my grieving will become when i'm 70.

    I hope Lucia brings light to your christmas this year.  Take care,

    Jennifer