![if gte IE 9]><![endif]><![if gte IE 9]><![endif]><![if gte IE 9]><![endif]><![if gte IE 9]><![endif]>
I think I had mentioned before that I am training for a 1/2 marathon on November 16th. One of my neighbors got me into running, and I have been training with her for the last couple of months. It has been so amazing for me, both physically and emotionally.
My neighbor who got me into it has been running with me for long runs on the weekend, so have really gotten to know each other. She's a very grounded, good person. She's done a lot of running in her day, so she knows quite a few people in the local running community. One of the women who has helped her train for previous races (and the one we're doing) is named Jessica. She is an avid runner...what I would consider a true athlete, just based on what my neighbor has told me. Case in point: Jessica apparently ran 101 miles last week!! See what I'm talking about?! My neighbor tells me about her and just how amazing she is with her running. Sometimes joking (in an endearing way) that Jessica is like a machine. Just so strong and dedicated to her exercise regimen. I had never met Jessica until this morning. My neighbor and I were on a morning run and ran into her on the trail that we were on. She ran the last 0.5 mile with us. I was struck by just how positive, radiant and happy she seemed. She just exuded good energy. Her happiness almost seemed so innocent. Do you know what I'm talking about here? Have you met these kinds of people? Perhaps it's due to the extremely high amount of exercise she does. Her seratonin level must be sky-rocketing!
I feel like I used to be a pretty happy-go-lucky person. I had struggled some with depression as a teen (though probably not much more than your average teen). As we all know here in this community, the loss of our baby or that perfect pregnancy is not the only thing we mourn. We also mourn the loss of the person we used to be. I will never be who I was before 2009. Ever. I don't know if I will ever be as naturally, purely positive as I perceive Jessica to be. But I also know that I don't want to be a negative, hardened person. I don't see myself as that either, which is good. I'm just kind of hanging out in the middle - leaning toward that positive side - or trying to, at least.
So - where am I going with all of this? I know Jessica has her dark days. We all do. We are human. No one is one-dimentional. The degree of our struggles can differ, but we all have struggles. I will always struggle to some degree with the loss of Marco. Will that prevent me from ever being the totally happy-go-lucky person that I think it would be so nice to be? Has this hardened my core forever? I don't know. Even if my core has been hardened for ever, is it possible for it to soften a bit? I am also in that really uncomfortable place right now where I feel like my ultimate happiness depends on whether or not I'll be able to have another child. It's a dangerous place to be. I do feel like time is on my side right now in that I have a number of years of reproductive potential...but as we all know...there are no guarantees. I still have hope, and am by no means ready to give up on having another. But I guess what I want to say is that in the meantime, I really feel like I need to find my inner Jessica and work on increasing my positivity. Brightening my inner ray-of-sunshine! Lucia, no doubt, brings it out, but it's during my down time, when I'm alone, that my demons come out and cast their shadows on the light.
I am really thankful for my neighbor, for encouraging me by example to start running. I'm really thankful for having the chance to meet Jessica today. I am not Jessica, nor do I want to be, but I hope to learn something from my short interaction with her today. I want to be a person that emits positive energy. I want to be able to energize myself and others. I want to work on softening my core a bit.
Marco, I think about you a lot when I run. I have talked about you quite a bit with my running partner. If fact, now that I think about it, you are my ultimate running partner, because you are always there - a part of me. I love you, my little pumpkin.
So glad you are running and enjoying it... And had made new friends. Yes I know what you mean trying to find your Jessica in you... That is so good you are trying to be positive, by the way I think you are a very good nature and positive person. sometimes I think our experiences make it harder than people think and somehow I think it is in our own nature. I know that type of person you describe, Jessica. My sister is just like that, so positive, so naive in a way, and ppl just like her and feel the need to be with her, even my children love her in a way sometimes I feel jealous... but I also need her in my life. Sometimes I wonder that, if somehow due to my own not so positive character things happen to me?
Sending you positive vibes (((()))))) and good luck in your marathon...
I am so happy that you have found an activity that gives you some peace and time to reflect on your beautiful Marco. As for your inner Jessica I can completely understand this feeling. There were so many things I felt like I didn't want to lose about myself after Arianna died. It seemed like everything about who I was was changing and I just wanted to hold onto a few things that made me me. I hope that as you complete your half marathon you get a little closer to finding your inner Jessica.
For what my opinion is worth, I think you are extremely positive. Of course, I didn't know you before 2009.
I know the feelings you talk about, the fear of having been through so much that you can become too rough and not get your optimism back. And yes, I know that feeling of wondering if your future happiness is based on your ability to have another child or not. Thank goodness for Share or we may all feel like we were the only ones like this!
I know several women who have found running to be so therapeutic, I am so proud that you are training to run a half-marathon, yay! I want to start running asap, I'm waiting for the treadmill to be delivered. The only time I have to run is after 9pm when the kids are asleep, so I am staying safe and running inside, even though it won't be in nature.
I'm glad that you're working to find your inner Jessica and that the running is helping. You are an inspiration.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
Privacy, Terms, and Notices
© Privacy, terms and notices