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I'm quite certain I've shared the story before - but here we are again - and therefore I feel compelled to share again. I think that reliving these moments is a way for us to connect with our experiences that brought us here to Share.
Five years ago today, it was a Friday. I went to work like any other Friday and made my way into the kitchen. As I stood at the coffee maker waiting for the coffee to brew, I noticed that I had no interest in drinking the cup I was awaiting. Not typical for me. Not thinking much of it, I went about my day. I returned home that evening, and without giving it much thought, I marched upstairs to the bathroom to do a pregnancy test. I didn't actually think I was pregnant. If I remember correctly, I was doing the test more to rule it out. I had been off birth control for 4 months, but had only had one long cycle. I was approaching 50some days of my second cycle, and figured that if I wasn't getting my period, maybe I was pregnant.
Well, I was. I was pregnant. The test was positive. I hate admitting it, but I'll never forget the fear that came over me as I looked at those 2 pink lines. One of those "be-careful-what-you-wish-for-it-might-just-happen" kind of fears. I started shaking. I ran downstairs and planted the test in front of Bruno, who was innocently sitting at the computer. He didn't really believe it. He thought for sure it was a fluke and insisted that I buy another brand at the store to test. I didn't doubt though. I knew.
Scared I was - but I was happy too. After all, we had agreed that we were ready to start trying, and it wasn't but just a couple of weeks prior that I had been laying in my bed crying because I thought I wasn't going to get pregnant. So here I was - PREGNANT. We went to church that night because it was Good Friday. I remember having a fleeting thought of "sheesh, I hope that finding out I'm pregnant on Good Friday isn't a bad omen". I didn't really believe that - and I still don't - but the thought crossed my mind - and I still remember it. Anyway - I digress. I remember being at church that night feeling so....wonderful. Nobody knew except me and Bruno that I was pregnant, and I felt like I was holding the most special secret.
We told our families that weekend because we were too excited to wait. My dad had remarked to me shortly after we shared the news that he just couldn't believe it - like a "I-can't-believe-my-youngest-child-is-having-a-baby" kind of disbelief. I told him that I felt the same - that I couldn't hardly believe it myself. It's hard to describe all that I felt that weekend while processing the news that I was going to be a mommy - but I suppose that much of what I was feeling is normal for a naive woman finding out she is pregnant.
It seems like that would be about all that would be "normal" for me that pregnancy. As soon as I hit the OB that week for bloodwork, the roller coaster would begin. First with beta HCG numbers that didn't double as they should, then an ultrasound that showed a fetal pole but no heartbeat, then an ultrasound a week later that DID show a heartbeat, to us thinking we were "in the clear", to the ultimate heart break of finding out about Marco's prognosis and then subsequently losing him.
It's hard to imagine that we actually lived that life 5 years ago. Hard to imagine that 5 years ago tonight, I was having a hard time sleeping because I was thinking about the child I'd be bringing into the world. Little did I know that 5 years from then, I'd be blogging about how he is no longer here. Little did I know that any fear I experienced that night would pale in comparison to the ominous fear I'd be experiencing in the months to come.
Marco is not here physically - but he lives in me - and although this is a much different reality than I had EVER thought would be mine - I am so very grateful that I had a chance to have this night, 5 years ago with him...a tiny little being, growing in my body, filling me with hope, love and life.
Marco - sometimes April 10th 2009 seems like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like an eternity ago. My life changed for the better that day, because that is the day that I learned you would be in my life. I wish you were with me today as a busy 4.5 year old, but instead you are watching over us all - especially that spirited little sis of yours. It's all so complex and mysterious - and I don't know if it will ever make sense. Until then...I'll just keep processing.
Thinking of you as you reflect on Marco and the beginning of his story. Sending lots of hugs.
And he lives on in us because you share him with us. Love you.
Thank you for sharing your Marco with us. I am sending you so many hugs as you relive your timeline.
This is such a beautiful, heartbreaking post. Your love for Marco shines through. Your hope, your innocence. I so, so wish you were still that hopeful and innocent five years later, watching your beautiful son play with his little sister instead of feeling his butterfly kisses as he flies by, watching over you all.
It is so beautiful to remember those days of pure bliss. While we're not where we thought we'd be so many years later- allowing those days to still remain beautiful and hopeful... is so special. They are true days, no matter where the led.
So much love to you and your sweet lil' Marco that I heart so.
Oh big hugs mama! That sweet boy of yours has touched so many lives through you!
many hugs..and I will be thinking of you as you look back on everything and the what could have been.
Thank you for sharing Marco with us, I can feel your love for him and the excitement you felt when you learned of his existence. That is a wonderful time, the beginning.
Hugs to you Libby. Thank you for sharing Marco with us.
Keeping you in my thoughts during your anniversary season. Sending lots of love and hugs.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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