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Yesterday was Marco's 3 year angelversary. It was harder than I thought it would be. It may sound bad, but it kind of snuck up on me this year. Time seems to be traveling exceptionally fast, and all the sudden I found myself in the beginning of October. We had planned to do a one mile race here in Reston, VA, where I live. It's all part of the Oktoberfest they do every year. There is a 5K early in the morning, and then a one mile race a little later. We signed up for the one mile ("Pumpkin Smash Mile") since strollers were allowed on that course. When I found out that this race was occurring on Marco's birthday, I thought it would be the perfect thing for us to do together as a family. Well, unfortunately I ended up a bit disappointed, because we were a few minutes late, and couldn't find the starting line, and basically missed the Pumpkin Smash Mile. I don't know why, but I was just so disappointed. Queue tears. About 15 min later, they were doing a little kids 100 yard dash for 4 and under, so we did that with Lucia. We then had breakfast. Lucia had a great time, and Bruno was trying to keep me upbeat, which did help some. Then we came home and rested for a bit. I looked through Marco's pictures. I looked through each one carefully. Examining them. Examining his little face and body, as I was too afraid to do it when he was with us that day in the flesh. He was so tiny. I looked especially hard at the picture of me holding him, without any tubes or wires connected to him. As so many of us have painfully experienced, I still have a hard time fathoming how you survive holding your own child as he dies. I also paid close attention to the pictures of Bruno standing next to Marco when he was on the warmer after he had first been admitted to the NICU. The anguish and sadness in Bruno's face. Bruno was alone with Marco for most of the time he was alive, since I was in the OR and then recovery from the C-section. There was a social worker with him, and she was so great. But really, he was alone. Without me. How scary and sad that must have been for him. After our rest/nap, we headed out to the pumpkin patch. That was the highlight of the day for all of us. Lucia loved it, as there was a lot for her to do/see there. I was acutely aware of the contrast between our pure joy as we watched Lucia be amazed at all she was experiencing for the first time (like the hay ride, which she loved), and the intense pain we were experiencing at that same time 3 years ago as we said goodbye to our beloved son. We closed the day with dinner out. At home after Lucia was in bed, Bruno and I said a prayer for Marco and read the reading that was read at his service. I had wanted Bruno and I to split the prayer, I start, and he finish it. I couldn't even get through the first line. It just hit me so hard. "Mysterious Lord of Life and Death, a very part of my own life has died in the death of my child." We lit the candle that my sisters gave to us in honor of him. Before bed, we blew the candle out together and wished him a final Happy Birthday for the year. Marco, we hope that you felt all the love pouring out to you yesterday. We love you so dearly, and will never forget you, our beloved son.