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This blog is a kind of all over the place – I know my last post was about staying centered – I’m having a hard time with that today though. I’ve decided that I need a hobby to help occupy some of my time…to prevent me from going stir crazy. It’s not really that I have a lot of spare time on my hands – it’s just that I think it will keep me more balanced. I’m just feeling off balance right now. I’m totally obsessed with becoming pregnant again and it’s just not good. I think I feel so obsessed with it because it is what is keeping me going. It’s keeping me from the intense sadness of the loss of my beautiful baby boy. I was going to do a pregnancy test again today (I did one last Friday) since I’m on day 37 now. I’ve talked myself out of it though. I don’t really think I’ve even ovulated (of course there’s a chance I have without knowing it, but I doubt it) – so I’m just going to wait…I don’t know how long though – we’ll see. I guess in addition to the hobby, I need patience too (easier said than done)! Today I got a call from the “Beginning Right Maternity Program” that my insurance company offers. I knew exactly what the call was about because I do this same kind of thing at my job (I’m a nurse that does health education over the telephone). I actually used to call pregnant women and offer them education and coaching before things started going wrong with my own pregnancy – then I couldn’t handle talking to women who were having healthy pregnancies anymore. Anyway – the woman called and told me that she had seen that I had delivered my baby and “congratulations”. I didn’t break down. I was very calm about it – I just told her briefly what had happened. It just hurt – it’s salt in the already painful wound. Later in the day I was working and talking on the phone to another case manager – she told me that a patient had been admitted to a facility on 10/6/09 – Marco’s birthday. Ouch again. Anyway – on a brighter note – as I’ve stated in some of my recent posts – we are COVERED in snow here. I can’t help but to think of Marco smiling down on me and my husband Bruno when I see the glintz on the beautiful white snow. I know you’re up there my little guy and I love you and miss you!