MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD

I want to move forward with things, with life. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to be a mother to a child here on earth. I want to rock my baby to sleep and touch his sweet face. I want to get up in the middle of the night just to check on him. It’s so hard though. It’s so hard to move forward when things aren’t happening. I feel like I’m in such a weird spot right now. It’s been more than a year since I lost Marco. It’s been almost a year that I’ve been trying again without any success. I feel like I should have a renewed sense of hope now that my cycles are a bit more regular, but I don’t know, I still just have this fear. A fear that I won’t be able to get pregnant. A fear that my dreams of being a mother are too big. Don’t they tell you to dream big though? I am trying so hard to just be happy with how my life is right now, but I can’t deny that it just feels incomplete. Incomplete without a little one here. As more time goes on without getting pregnant again, the more desperate I feel. The more fearful I am. I need to focus on removing this fear, I know. Things will happen when “the time is right”, I know. Bruno and I were getting our Christmas decorations out of the attic tonight. While he was up there handing stuff to me, a bag fell from the top of the closet (the attic opening is in the closet), and out fell a beautifully knitted yellow sweater hoody onsie-bag type outfit that a co-worker made for me last year when I was pregnant. As much as it made my heart ache to see it, I was glad that I saw it tonight. I folded it nicely and placed it back in the bag (which is filled with other knitted baby stuff given to me). I was tempted to put the bag on a lower shelf in the closet in hopes that I would need it sooner rather than later, but I just placed it back on the top shelf. Even if I get pregnant now, it would be a whole 10 months more before I would need it. Thanks angel Marco for letting me have a moment with that sweater. I also found one of my maternity summer dresses on my closet floor tonight while I was cleaning. Again, I was kind of glad I got to see it. It made me smile to think of how I was happy the last time I wore it. My heart ached a little too. Now that I think about it though, it kind of gave me a small boost at hope. Evidence that I was pregnant once before and hopefully it can happen again. I guess I’ll sign out for the night. Marco, thank you for making me so strong. I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. I wish you were here tonight getting into all of our Christmas decorations.

  • Hugs to you....  I have that feeling of "wanting" to move forward and be happy with what life is right now, but for somewhat different reasons.  I have such a hard time on not focusing on my problems and focusing on the good things in life.  I'm sending hugs to you as you try to find out how to do that.

    Tracy

  • Libby

    So sorry for what you are going throu, I know that feeling, we wanted desesperatly a baby after Antonella, and we waited and suffer for almost 7 years, until I said to my DH that is enough I am not going to keep my life like this, we were even discussing adoption.... but I was scare that having a child of my own it would be unfair to the other child, don´t know if you make some kind of difference between them. So I stop worrying, we were even planning the vasectomy, and bum I got pregnant with Valentina. So in a way I think life can not be planned the way we want, you have to let flow take you, not swim against it, the right moment will come, keep hope.....

    big hug

    Lorena

  • Libby-

    what can i say???  i feel the same way you do- i wish i could send many positive encouraging thoughts your way......i suppose we need to hang onto 'Hope'.  

    it's funny how that bag fell on you in the closet, almost like someone was trying to tell you (rather hit you over the head, lol) that the dream of pregnancy is real and will happen again- when it's the right time.  maybe in five years when we both look back at this struggle for pregnancy, we'll  understand why God made us wait for this miracle.  it's so hard to accept now, but we must hang onto that 'hope' that still lives within us, we will get our chance again- we must believe this.

    i've been trying to live my life happy as things are, trying not to think about what might have been, about ttc...but after eight months of negative after negative, and then starting the process of anticipation and dread all over, it's exhausting.  

    I've decided to donate all my maternity clothes to my pregnant friend and give the rest to a 'crisis pregnancy center' in my hometown....it's made me feel good to help others, and also feels like i'm wiping the slate clean. :)

    Thinking of you-

    Jennifer

  • Libby-Lots of hugs coming your way!

    Katie

  • Oh Libby, I'm feeling it too.  I want so much to just be happy with life.  It's proving to be very difficult with each passing day.  The reminders are still everywhere for me too of the life that once was.  Sometimes it all seems so unreal, but the reminders around the house and the little ones that pop up now and again make me smile too.  There were a lot of happy moments with this last pregnancy.

    I'm sure your decorations are just beautiful and I wish for you and hubby to have a very merry x-mas.

    Lindsay

  • Hi Honey, I hope you can tell people when they ask that question, "I do have a child, he's in heaven now."  I'm pretty sure nobody would press for more with that answer.  People who don't realize the complexities of a question like that just have not lived at the levels of life you've experienced.  Sending you big hugs during this most difficult (holiday) time.  xoxo Uncle ~B~

  • Believe in the power of nature....

    Love you