MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I WAS HER

As I may or may not have written about in the past, I am a nurse - but my current role is that I'm a "lifestyle coach". I talk to people on the phone about living a healthy lifestyle and help them to set behavior goals to reach their ultimate long-term goals - blah blah blah. Our company provides many services, just one of them being lifestyle coaching. Another service that we provide is a maternity program to provide education and support for pregnant woman. I had previously been one of the maternity nurses but switched out of that once I was pregnant with Marco and knew of the difficulties I was having with my own pregnancy. I knew that I could not be the steady voice on the other line trying to guide others through pregnancy when I was scared out of my mind about my own. Last year, my team leader asked me if I would mind being a back-up maternity nurse - basically take calls when none of the other nurses were available. I knew that the calls would be far and few between, and I figured I could handle it. So - I am now in our back-up maternity nurse queue and only have to take calls very rarely. They usually don't bother me. I'm typically able to separate my own past from these women I talk to who are most often in pregnancy bliss. Tonight I got a call. A 30 year old. First pregnancy. Very nice girl. Eight weeks along. They had just had their first ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. I was genuinely very happy for her. But as the call proceeded, I felt something. Sadness, anger, I don't really know what it was. Can't put my finger on it. I still feel it now, and that's why I have to write about it - as we would say here - blog it out. Sometimes the loss of a baby seems like an endless sea of losses. The loss of your baby's first birthday, first words, laughs, cries, rosie cheeks, dirty diapers. The loss of moments as exciting as graduations and as funny and yet frustrating of watching them throw the breakfast that you just made them on the floor. The extraordinary and the ordinary - all lost. All you have is memories of the short time your baby was here and all of the what-ifs and what-should-have-beens. I guess during my call tonight what I realized is that I was her - I was this girl almost 4 years ago. Eight weeks pregnant with my first, with Marco. Following all the rules, having given up caffeine and deli meats. Doing my best to eat a healthy diet. Excited about what the future would hold for my little family. Pondering whether or not we'd have a girl or a boy. I was this happy girl. Innocent, in a way. I would consider myself an overall happy person right now. Lucia has greatly contributed to that. But my innocence is long gone, and that has hardened me. I do hope that the future holds another pregnancy and healthy baby for us - but I will never be this girl again, and that makes me angry and sad. Marco, I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant with you - I was scared - but it was a happy-scared. I will never forget those months of pregnancy bliss with you in my belly. Thank you for giving me that. I love you, my son.

  • aww Libby...I can absolutley relate to this blog. I am extremely lucky, Madison is with me today but her journey was a difficult one and it scared me to the bone that I would lose her. I was so petrified that we had decided not to tempt fate and get pregnant again. I so desperately wanted another and knew I would never get over it if I didnt have one. After all the tests and drs appointments and we finally did get pregnant again I was so scared to bond because of my fears. I even stayed off share the whole pregnancy. I couldnt get everyones stories outof my head. I knew to much now. I knew what could go wrong. I could never again be that naive pregnant girl again. I thank God every second that all went amazing and I have chunchy butt now. ...praying for the same for you xoxo

    xoxo

    Jessica

  • Libby-

    "An endless sea of losses" wow.  Those words... they capture so much.  I can still hear the memory of the excitement in my voice when people asked me what I was having and I said this same line every time... "A girl... I know!  We're so excited!!" and every time I was jumping out of my skin with naive excitement for the perfection we were living.  That voice, those moments are a memory.  

    Like you I am overall happy... and yet no matter what there is that part always there that remains in knots.  What a journey this is.  So humbled to be able to walk it with you.

    Endless sea of losses- that will stick with me.

    Hugs,

    Lauren

  • Hi Honey ~ you are still embarking on the brave steps of learning a new perspective on life all the while working at a job that gives you perspective of what you use to be like.  I hope this experience is part of your healing process.  I think you are very brave to do the work you do given what you have been through.  I'm hopeful you both will have another healthy baby in the future.  And applaud you for "blogging it out" when you get one of those emotional curve balls. I know it is still hard even after all these years.  I admire how you are working through it.

  • Libby -

    Oh that we could all be that innocent, and remain that way, again....that we didn't know what can be and too often is.

    Hugs and love,

    D

  • I think that this is one of the most accurate blog entries Libby. You nailed it. The phrases you used to describe our lives are so true. Like Lauren endless sea of losses will also stick with me. We have lost much more than just a physical body after all. We've lost an entire lifetime. Over all happy, that's so true! It sounds awful to read a blog that is about something so terrible and to smile and think yes! yes! Finally. because someone is able to but it into words. That how I felt when I read this. Thank you Libby.

    Jami

  • Libby, I agree!  This one is REALLY good lady!  I love ALL of your posts, but your words here speak for so many of us.  You are so brave for agreeing to being the back-up maternity nurse.  That call must have been so difficult.  Those feelings . . . right there with you my friend.

    Huge hugs,

    Lindsay

  • Oh big hugs, I can totally relate.  Sometimes it can just hit you in the gut seeing someone so carefree in their pregnancies and knowing that was stolen from us.  Oh, and as a side note, I love that you send a little love note to Marco with every entry 3

    Stacy