I'm sitting down here in my basement after having finished work for the night, in the quiet. It's been a long day. An exhausting day. A fun day. A meaningful day. It snowed today. Here in the DC area, the winter weather isn't very predictable. We do get a winter, but you never know who much or little snow we will get. Some years it's barely one inch, while others it's a few feet. Four years ago in December we had a blizzard. Four years ago on December 18th, to be exact. I remember because it was Marco's due date. It was a Friday. The snow started that night. I had gone to the grocery store on my way home from work that evening to pick up some provisions for the weekend. All the shelves that stocked bread, milk and eggs were nearly empty. I got what I needed....in addition to a single blue balloon for Bruno and I to release for Marco, on what would have been his due date. All the what-should-have-beens....so raw that day. Marco should have been our Christmas gift that year. A new baby in the house with a little Santa hat on his head, filling it with Christmas cheer. Maybe he would have been wearing a newborn onesie that said "Baby's First Christmas". Sure, I would have been sleep deprived and hormonal, but that comes with the territory! A Christmas baby seemed so exciting. We had to say goodbye to our Christmas baby 2.5 months early. We had to kiss him goodbye and hand him over. We had to let him fly away...too far away.
It started snowing that Friday night, and didn't stop until the next night. Instead of releasing the balloon that night on his actual due date, we decided to wait until the next day when we had some daylight. Bruno and I trudged through the snow with the dogs that Saturday to the soccer field behind our house and released the balloon. We watched it float away in the bright white fog of the snow. We watched it until we couldn't see it any longer. It was gone, just like Marco. Never to come back.
I will never forget the peacefulness that that snow brought with it. Bruno had walked the dogs that Friday night when the snow had already started to fall and accumulate. I remember him remarking in bed later that he felt a peacefulness fall over him as he walked the dogs in the snow. How he really felt that Marco sent us that snow that weekend.
My sister Lisa had made a similar remark. We could feel him, our beautiful angel.
It snowed here Sunday and today. Nothing like the snow 4 years ago, but it was beautiful nonetheless. On Sunday morning, we awoke to Lucia running in our room exclaiming "Look! Snow!" There wasn't enough accumulation on Sunday to get out to play in it, but today there was. I took Lucia out this morning when all the other neighborhood kids were playing. I played with her; and even though it was exhausting, it was so wonderful. There is nothing easy about putting mittens on a toddler, and then continuously attempting to put them on throughout the time outside as they get more and more wet! But above the mitten frustration, and the physicality it takes to play out in the snow with a little one, was immense joy. Lucia had a blast, and therefore I did. Though it wasn't a big snow, it was a gift. It was Marco saying hi to us. Sending us a little winter fun in the midst of what has been a stressful 2 weeks.
The joy that surrounded us today was such a stark contrast to the sadness of this time 4 years ago. I'm so thankful for this day. So with that, I say...let it snow!!
Marco! Thank you, thank you for the snow. Thank you for the snow on December 18th and 19th of 2009 and every time since then. You live in my heart always, but I feel your love especially on these beautiful days of snow. You might have flown away, never to come back....but you are here. You are present in the beauty of all that is around. You were with us today as we built a snow man and went sledding down the hill. You were with us as we sipped hot chocolate and when we kissed Lucia goodnight. We love you, our angel.
I don't think I will ever look at snow the same. I will always think of your sweet Marco.
yaaaaaayyy such a beautiful moment to feel Marcos presence :-)
Love love beautiful moment when we are reminded of our sweet little ones! Many hugs to you dear friend!
Love that snow has such a special meaning to you. I remember all to much the blizzards here in Md a few years ago. The snow this week has made my 4 year old very happy so thank you to Marco for sending it our way. He had such a big smile and we all had fun playing in it.
You always have the most amazing posts Libby. I love the way you incorporate Marco into all that you do and see. You are truly and inspiration to other parents who have to live each day without their child(ren). Thank you so much.
I will be thinking of you as Marco's due date approaches.
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