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Lucia is a little sister, but she doesn’t really even know it. She has a big brother, but not like most people have big brothers. Her big bro is not running around playing with her, teasing her, giving her hugs and kisses or trying to steal her toys away from her. She doesn’t have big brother trucks and cars and super heroes and swords to play with. She does have her big brother as a guardian angel, watching over her…and that is something special. This is too big for her to understand quite yet, and I’m ok with that. She’ll come to understand it on her own time, over the years. She can say Marco’s name now, and it’s so bittersweet. Will she ever get to experience being a big sister in the true meaning of the term? That’s the million dollar question that there is no answer to yet. It’s so hard to really want something that you don’t know if you will get. I am fearful that I won’t be able to have another child. At the same time, I’m hopeful. I have to balance this and work it out in my mind so that the fear doesn’t take over. I have to balance all of this with being HERE in the PRESENT moment and enjoying what I DO have. I don’t want my desire for another child to take over and rob me of enjoying the here and now. Time is FLYING – seriously – I really can’t believe Lucia is only 3 months away from being 2. I look at her and see her turning into a little girl. It’a amazing, but a little sad that my baby is really not much of a baby anymore. I don’t want to miss any of it because of anxieties over what may or may not happen. Of course I am human though, and so I do think about it and worry about it. I know that Lucia is an amazing gift that I have been given, so how could I ask for more? But again, I am human, and I want more. I want her to have a living sibling. Someone who she can swing on the swings with and ride bikes with. Someone she can get into little spats with, someone who she can talk to and cry with when she goes through tough times and doesn’t want to talk to Mom or Dad. Someone who she can call when Bruno and I are getting old and senile and say “Mom and Dad are so frustrating, they’re not taking their blood pressure medications on time…they’re so stubborn”. I tell myself that if she is an only child, she will have friends who she can do all these things with – but deep down, I know that it’s not the same. I know too that if she ends up being an only child, she won’t ever know any different, so hopefully she won’t know what she is missing. I’ve done 2 cycles of Clomid now without success. It has been successful in that I have at least ovulated, but no pregnancy. This is the first time I’ve ovulated since I had Lucia, which is why it’s just a good thing that I DID ovulate. Bruno and I are not ready to pursue more aggressive measures at this point to conceive, so I’m not sure what the next step is. If my OB will allow me to do another cycle or 2 of Clomid, I guess we’ll do that, otherwise, we’ll see if maybe taking the Clomid was enough to “jump start” my body. Marco- I know you must smile every time Lucia says your name. It’s the cutest, most amazing thing ever. Though you’re not here to be a big brother to your little sis in person, I know you constantly watch over her, and we are so thankful for that. Here is Little Sister Lucia at 21 months old! :)