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I typed this on Monday (MLK Day) as I was sitting on the couch, didn't intend on writing it on the blog at the time, but feel compelled to now: I’m sitting here now on the couch with Benni (one of my Beagles) curled up next to me. As I sit here, I look at our windows to my left. They are big and low to the ground. It was one of the things we loved most about this house when we first looked at it – the two big windows right there in the front of the house. It gives it a nice open feel – it’s really nice when all the light comes through. Usually I look through the windows at the trees and the people coming and going from their houses. Sometimes I look through them at the park right in front of our house to see the neighborhood kids playing. Today though, I’m looking at the inside of our windows. I’m imagining Marco at about 9 months of age – at the cruising stage. I can see him standing at the windows looking out, smiling, cooing and probably drooling too, at the excitement of what he would see outside. I see him standing there and batting at the window – maybe falling back on his bottom because his legs are still building up strength. He wouldn’t mind though – he would just get back up and bat some more. There would be little finger prints on the windows. The dogs would probably be standing there with him, the three of them looking out together. If all goes as planned and works in our favor, the very scenario above could be happening in our house in about 1 ½ yrs with another baby. Bruno thinks a girl. I’m not convinced we will have a girl – although I would love that. I wonder if having a girl or a boy would make us think about or long for Marco more? If we have a boy, he will make us think of Marco in that maybe Marco would have looked like him. If we have a girl, we would miss not having the boy that we would have had. Of course I’ll take either. A healthy baby is what I long for. I look at women who have had a healthy baby with no complications in awe now. I wonder what it would feel like to be them? I’ll never know. I will forever be jaded. I’ll never have a pregnancy where I expect everything to be normal. If I am lucky and blessed enough to have a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby – I will be thrilled. I will be forever grateful. I will value that baby so incredibly much. I pray every night that this happens. I pray that in the near future we are blessed with a healthy baby. Now I’m looking through the windows at the little playground right there. There are about 7 kids playing there with maybe 3 moms scattered throughout. What I had originally thought would be a year until I would be out there joining them, will now HOPEFULLY be 2 years from now. There’s a new mom out there. She and her husband had their first about 2 months ago. A boy. His name is Zachary. She’s not the warmest person. I don’t even know her name. She keeps to herself. I just watched her shake hands with a mother of 3. I’m sure she’s thinking to herself that she better start getting to know some of the other moms in the neighborhood since her little one will be running around out there next year at this time. This is painful to watch. Ouch. It physically hurts. I love you Marco - wish you were here with us.