MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

MAYBE NOT ON THE PLAYGROUND

I was out on the playground the other day with one of the neighbors. She was pushing her 2 year old on the swing next to Lucia. They moved in a just a few months ago. We had been chatting about the little ones, and she asked me if we were trying for another one. Ugh – if only it were that simple. Because I am basically an open book, I told her that we were trying, but that I haven’t had a cycle since having Lucia, so am working with my OB on it now. She asked if it had always been that way for me. Well – I took this as an opportunity to tell her about Marco. She was very sweet about it. As we were talking though, her son started demanding more of her attention and then wanted to leave the playground area. I totally understood…but it left me with a realization. I realized that sharing the short version of Marco’s story often leaves me feeling bad, for lack of a better word. I want people to know about Marco. He was a part of our life, and always will be. I felt comfortable telling her because it’s someone we know and interact with often. When there’s only a short time to talk about it though, I realize that the story is minimized. It’s so much deeper than “We had a baby 3 years ago who died. I had him at 29 weeks. He had multiple problems. They don’t know what it was, most likely some kind of genetic condition. A fluke. It was really awful. He lived for about 4 hours.” Sometimes I go into more detail, but that’s basically the gist of what I share. Afterward, I’m left wondering “is that what I wanted to share?”, “did I do Marco justice in the way I just told his story?” She asked me after I shared what had happened how I am doing with all of it now? I told her that it’s something I live with every day, then I said “I think I still mourn the loss of the healthy baby he would have been.” It was seconds after this that she had to excuse herself because of her son. I was left feeling guilty for saying that I mourn the loss of the healthy baby Marco would have been. While it is a true statement, I feel like by saying that I said that I wouldn’t have wanted him the way he was had he lived, with many special needs. Of course we would have wanted Marco just the way he was…but the truth is, he would have suffered, and Bruno and I would have suffered. I could ramble in circles about this all day – it’s so complicated – exhausting really. I realize now that maybe I need to be more thoughtful as to when/how I share Marco’s story. I understand that it’s a work in progress. I guess I would have thought that 3 ½ years out from the loss, I would be more at peace with when/how I share Marco’s story – but the truth is, it’s still a work in progress. And that’s ok. Bruno and I had a little talk about this that night, and it gave me a little more insight as to why he doesn’t talk about Marco as often or freely as I do. I understand now that he feels like he can’t just have a 2 minute conversation about Marco. He said that he’ll gladly talk about him if someone has time to sit down and listen. I get that now, and I respect it. Marco- your story is not short, nor is it simple. I hope you know how much your daddy and I love you. It's a love so pure that it's painful.

  • Libby -

    Sometimes those moments are just sprung on us.  The short version - oy. I'm sure you will have the opportunity, now that the door is open with this neighbor, to share more about Marco and his sweet life. You do justice to his memory every single day.

    Hugs,

    D

  • Libby-

    Oooooh momma, I'm walking those circles right there with you.  It's complex upon complex when you miss your child just as they are... and just as all should have been.  Right there with you.

    It's a heavy responsibility to fit our child's life... their story into a sound byte when they aren't here to speak for themselves.  I understand that "bad" feeling too...

    This is a journey that seems always in process- it's exhausting.

    Lauren

  • This was a beautiful post, Libby.  You're love for Marco is so evident.  You are absolutely doing the best you can with the tools you've been given.  Sometimes, you can tell the person asking the questions doesn't really want to hear the long story and it is up to you to decide if you're okay with the shortened version.

    And yes, there are times when you'll question yourself and what you said.

    You're human, you are an amazing mother to both of your children in only way you can be.

    Tommie

  • I don't see how we will ever be comfortable sharing these stories. No matter how you tell it, it will never be enough for someone else to understand ALL that you lost when Marco died. Anyone who has a heart could never hear the story and not feel like running away. God knows we've wanted to run away from the truth of our situations often enough.

    The important thing is that the stories are told on our terms. Think of all the things people complain about with their living children without giving a second thought to the impression they are giving others. You're doing a great job sharing the memory of the boy you love.

    Hugs,

    Shannon

  • Gosh Libby I don't know if there are even words in the English language that can adequately describe Marco's story. Or any of our stories for that matter. I love that Bruno was so open about telling you why he doesn't talk about Marco as often. I guess for most men small talk just isn't their forte. Gaining some insight into our husbands perspective on loss is always helpful. It makes complete sense.

    I think often times we resist sharing our child's story for the sake of others. It's not only the fear of not being able to attach words to such a monumental part of our lives but always the fear of how others will react to our precious children. Living or not they are very much alive in our hearts and when someone does not accept them it is very painful. I fear that I will lose friendships for fear that they not accept her. I don't think this will ever be easy. Big Hugs to you.

    Jami

  • I relate to your story so much as... We also had a boy with chromosomal abnormalities. I gave birth at 30 wks and he lived only a few year... A biological fluke like being hit by lightening they said...

    It is true when you see your baby, you just want them to live but you also know how much pain they would be in, and wonder how much of a life they would have. I also grieve a healthy baby and when I finally do open up and share Barons story. It leaves me feeling uncomfortable. I always think I never can convey how much I loved him so it comes out akward and I often wonder the same thing. Have I done his story justice. Who knows how to navigate grief... It just plain sucks and it changes as we change ( for me anyways). I also understand the dreaded question are you trying again. I have come to realize the stigma associated with having one child. If only people could see our struggles and how it is just not so easy for everyone.

    Wishing you peace and hope that your successful in trying again.

    Brooke

  • Libby, your posts are so warm and filled with so much love for your Marco.  Not knowing how much to share depending on how much time the other person has can be difficult.  It's happened to me where I've been interrupted and then felt horrible for telling at all.  Being that this person is your neighbor and you will be seeing her again, hopefully she will remember and give you the opportunity to share more.  I so understand your husband's point too where he only wants to share your son's story with those who are truly invested timewise.  I think it's really sweet.

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs as these moments come up,

    Lindsay