MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

OVERWHELMED

The title of this blog post puts it simply: I’m a little overwhelmed with life right now. I turned 30 on 10/23. Last year we had Marco's memorial service on my birthday - not on purpose, but that's just the way it worked out. I must say that this year I was pretty happy on my actual birthday. I enjoyed the day and spent the evening with my wonderful husband, friends and family. Last week was overwhelming though, I just feel like I can’t keep up with things…everyday things. Bruno was out of town for the 2nd part of the week, and I got hit with a cold. I don’t know…maybe my anxiety is picking up again. When I start to get overwhelmed, I start negative self-talk. I know…this is never productive, but I can’t help it. I started thinking, “how could I keep up with a baby right now if I can’t even keep up with simple things?” Grrr…I hate when I do that to myself. So, I’m working on countering the negative self-talk by being a little more productive and reminding myself that IT’S GOING TO BE OK…it always is. It has to be :) I have my health, my husband, my family, friends, dogs…etc. So many things that are going right in my life. Anyway – I guess when I think about it, I’m probably doing pretty well for just having made it through October, Marco’s month. Maybe part of this overwhelmed feeling is also because I have a little complex about turning 30 – that I should have everything figured out by now. I know that’s ridiculous and that I have a lot of time to “figure things out”. :chagrin: A couple more random things: - Halloween: My neighborhood had a little pre-trick-or-treating potluck Sunday (as you might remember, there are a LOT of young children in my neighborhood). I went out just for a short time, that was all I could handle. My neighbor who had a baby last November was out there. I see her husband outside sometimes, but I rarely ever see her. I don’t even know her name, and I've maybe seen the baby once or twice. I don’t know if she knew I was pregnant the same time as her, but she has never spoke a word of my pregnancy or Marco. Anyway, she had her baby out with her. He was big. It just kind of hit me, that Marco wouldn’t be a little baby anymore. He’d be close to turning one. I watched her (not in a creepy way). I watched her tickle him and smile at him. It made my heart hurt a little. Ugh. - My co-worker: The day after my last blog post, I told my co-worker (the one I posted about) about Marco. I felt better after telling her. I don’t feel resentful anymore about seeing pictures of her son on her desk either. I just think I really needed to tell her…so I’m glad I did. I think that’s about it right now. Thank you all of you wonderful SHARE ladies for listening to me and for all your love and support. You all mean so much to me…more than you know. Marco, my little angel boy, I wish you would have been here for Halloween this year. You wouldn’t have been old enough for candy (ok, maybe we would have given you a taste), but I would have dressed you up as something very cute. I love you my sweety.

  • As life moves on you think so many what ifs.  I wish I could take some of your pain away.

    Thinking of you

    Kathryn

  • I tell you...the older I get, the harder things seem to be for me.  I thought things were suppose to settle down after a certain age.  I hope that you find great things in your 30's!  

    I'm glad that you have found ways to participate in things without overdoing it.

    Tracy

  • I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed right now.  Wonderful that you're countering the negatives with positives!  

    My eyes always seem to linger on little ones that I think are about the same age that my girls should be.  Just watching their parents interact with them and wishing I was able to do that with my girls.  

    Tons of hugs coming your way!

    Stacy

  • Oh Honey, life becomes 'overwhelming' for everyone at some point or another.  I remember when I turned 30 and when I turned 40 - there's something about those numbers that plays with your head.  But, they are just numbers.  I've been working on not dwelling on the negative myself.  Read a great book about scientists who studied 'lucky people' and what made them that way.  It all boiled down to your attitude.  If you remind yourself, in the worst of times, just how lucky you are, then you bring more good luck to yourself.  I'm so proud to see you say what has made you lucky in your blog.  Tell that little negative voice in your head to go away, you have much more to appreciate and be thankful for than to worry yourself.  I just know you will get through this, and life will present itself in a way that makes you happier.  Having had Marco was 'lucky' even if only a short time.  More will come your way sweetheart, just stay strong in your positive thoughts and take good care of yourself.  Lots of Love, Uncle ~B~

  • I'm glad you were able to talk to your coworker, Libby. It's so hard to be around people who don't know the truth. Sometimes I'm still startled that people I've met in the past six months or so don't know I ever had children. It's weird and uncomfortable. I'm happy you don't have to feel that way any more.

    I find that I miss my boys in new ways when I think about how old they'd be now if they were born when they were supposed to be. I'm sure that must have been hard at that dinner realizing that Marco would be a big baby boy by now :(

    Thinking of you all the time.

    Shannon

  • Life is filled with flowers and $&%t.  The flowers smell and look so much more pleasant than the %&it.  (I know that's putting it mildly and doesn't even begin to describe it, but it's what I thought of when I read this last post)   I love you Leeb, am here for you.

    Lisa

  • Happy belated birthday Libby.  I turned 30 last year and I thought things would pretty much flow by then.  At 30, I finally figured out what I wanted and now I can't have it.  Urgh.  I am glad that you were able to talk to your co-worker.  I hope that she was understanding and appreciated you telling her of Marco.  I know, sometimes when I don't say anything, I feel like I'm keeping it a secret or something.  I hope that your new position is working out and I'm glad that you were able to have a good birthday.

    Lindsay

  • Libby-

    I also found turning thirty difficult- it was almost like another reminder of how far our path is from where we thought we would be.

    I'm thankful your co-worker knows about Marco and will be able to know the full you.  I also find myself staring at little ones that are Akeelah's age.. stare in wonder and feel the ache you described.  Watching others live our lives and it hurts.

    My heart and thoughts are with you-

    Lauren

    Lauren