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Here I sit - 19 weeks today - NINETEEN! That is basically half-way there, hopefully!
It dawned on me the other day when I was chatting with a co-worker who is also expecting a baby (her second), that I have barely done a thing to start preparing my life in a practical way for this baby. She was talking to me about double strollers. Double strollers have been the furthest thing from my mind over these last few months.
Ah, how I wish that was my world. How I wish I was telling Bruno, "we need to get on the ball with getting things ready!" But that is not my reality. My reality is that I slip into bed once a week and, with a dose of fear and a dash of hope, fill out my Belly Book. Bruno gently rubs my belly. And I know that he is feeling as tentative as I am, even though he doesn't say it out loud. I have known this man for 15 years, so he doesn't have to say it. I just know.
My reality is that I allow myself to take a picture of my belly once a week or so, but I don't share it with anyone, except one every now and then with my sisters. I prefer to keep them safely stored on my phone for now.
My reality is that I am terrified to talk to Lucia too much about this baby out of fear that something will go wrong.
My reality is that when my mother and mother-in-law talk about how excited they are for us to be having another baby, I get extremely tense and have a very hard time with their excitement.
I am hoping beyond hope that after having my sonogram next Wednesday that I am able to breathe a little easier and start enjoying this pregnancy more. As the days and weeks go by and I find myself anxiously awaiting for the next day and week to pass, I am aware that these are precious days that I am wishing would speed by. Not only precious with this time the baby is in my belly, but precious with this little 3.5 y.o. that I have in our house. I don't want to lose sight of what I have right now, today - a baby in my belly, and an amazing little girl at home, as well as my little Marco all around us, as always.
I know that I'll still be anxious. That's just part of who I am, and it's a part of the pregnancy after loss journey. BUT, I hope that hope will start to outweigh fear a little more often.
Since I haven't really been sharing my belly pics as of yet, I thought I'd share one with you all. Hopefully I'll feel more bold in sharing them with more people as time moves on and I make it through this huge milestone next week. (Oh - and speaking of my belly - when I saw my OB last week, she said it was measuring exactly on target with my gestation - hooray for that). I'm including one of my little Valentine, Lucia as well :)
Marco - I know you are watching us from above, as you always do. You are with us, all around us, always. You help give me strength and help me stay centered. I am so grateful for you, my little one. Help me get through just one more week until we can see your little sibling Sparky on that ultrasound machine, swimming around!
I think I stalk this page waiting for your updates. I love the pictures. I'm counting down the weeks with you cheering you on. I wish I had words of wisdom to help ease your mind but I don't I know how scared and worried I was when we finally got pregnant with Jaxson after losing Trinity and the M/C. Just know I am thinking of you, wishing, hoping, praying for you, I can't wait till next week and an update and possibly another belly shot? :) Hug that beautiful girl of yours from me!
No wise words of wisdom.... only lots of hugs, and hope coming your way. One day at a time. One breath at a time.
Squeeze that little valentine for me and give that belly a little rub too. I love your belly.
Hugs and love,
Oh Libby, I completely understand why this is so hard. You want so badly to believe in happy endings but when you've experienced the worse case scenario, the happy endings feel so very few and far between.
Remember, there is no shame in faking it until you make it. But you also don't have to fake it if you don't want to. You'll get through this because well, it's what we all do, we get through it. What else can we do?
But you don't have to like it and you don't have to pretend it's easy.
So much love to you and your beautiful family.
many hugs. I can't imagine how hard it is to want to be be excited but at the same time unfortunately know what could be...I am sending lots of positive thoughts your way. Nicki
Hugs and love, Libby. I think for me, the second rainbow pregnancy was easier than Kaelin's rainbow pregnancy, but I still had many of the same fears. I'm wishing you all the best for a full-term, uneventful pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your belly with us, and that beautiful little valentine of yours -- Lucia.
I can't wait til Wed. I'm so anxious for you, too, but I have to believe that everything will be okay. Much love to you and your family. Thanking Marco always that we have each other to share life's journey with.
I love you!! I know with more words than I can share about all your anxiety. I had such difficulty taking my deep breaths with Jack. It was so different than with Evan -- just because now I really knew what was on the line. With Zachary. I didn't know what I had missed.......now you know. Libby. As hard as it is.....breathe. Try to be in your moment as much as you were for Lucia's pregnancy (and Marco's too). Keep me posted. I think of you way more than I am checking in. Sending you so much strength!!!
Love that belly shot! I found my pregnancy after my loss pretty scary too, I didn't talk much about it. I wouldn't say I was hiding it but I also wasn't going out of my way to talk to people about it. Most of my co-workers didn't even know until I was about 8 months pregnant!! (It was easy to hide since I work from home) Hang in there! Do what feels best for you! Sending best wishes your way!
Oh my goodness Libby!!! What a wonderful surprise! You are pregnant (yes, sorry I am the last one to know, I have been MIA from Share), wonderful news to be back and catch up with this wonderful surprise, you are 19 weeks along....I am so happy for you, Lucia & Bruno.
Sending you so many hugs, I know how hard a pregnancy (or a second pregnancy) after a loss is, all the fear and the stolen of good memories.... I will be counting the weeks and the days, to hear the good news of the arrival of your baby,
many many hugs to you,
And I loved the pic of Lucia (she is getting so big and beautiful) and your belly (funny pic)...
I know exactly how you are feeling. Each passing week I expected my pregnancy with Keira to get easier. I expected to wake up on the morning of my 24th week of pregnancy, take a huge deep breath and instantly connect and enjoy the miracle that was growing inside of me. I waited all 36 weeks of my pregnancy to feel that feeling. It never came. Actually the hardest moment of my pregnancy was the morning of my scheduled c-section. I remember staring into the dark as Jerry drove, silently begging God to let me keep this baby. It was hard, it was so very hard. You are so strong and you are doing everything right. You are faking it until you make it. I wish that I would have secretly snapped those belly shots and saved them even if just for me. I am here always if you need me and believe me when I say, I get it.
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