MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

PURA VIDA

Warning – this post is probably going to be all over the place, but it’s been a while, so I’m just going to write… The people of Costa Rica have a saying – “pura vida”. It literally translates into “pure life”. They use it to express that they are living life fully, celebrating life, etc. It’s used there as a greeting and farewell, basically all the time. It’s hard to not be in a good mood when in Costa Rica and saying “pura vida” multiple times a day to your loved ones and to strangers. I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Costa Rica last week. I must say – I was in a good mood! It was just awesome to get away from everything here...oh it was nice :cool: So now of course, it’s back to “reality”. I’ve realized that over the last 6 months or so, I’ve pretty much been in 1 of 2 states of mind. Either I’m totally overwhelmed with life and its responsibilities (and therefore terrified of getting pregnant again – because, how could I handle a baby right now if I’m so overwhelmed by every-day things) OR I’m not overwhelmed by life and desperately want to get pregnant. It’s exhausting really. What I really need to find is a calm/peaceful state where I’m comfortable in my shoes, comfortable with where I’m at, where my mind is quiet. I guess I have moments of peace/comfort…I’d just like that state to stay a little while longer. Next time comfort/peace decides to walk through my door, I’m going to make sure I ask him to take off his coat and stay a while…maybe offer him a glass of wine or milk and cookies or something :) I’ve been thinking about how life is moving on without Marco here. It’s weird how fast it seems to be going. I can’t believe this is going to be my 2nd holiday without him. How will I feel this Thanksgiving and Christmas? I feel like people expected me to be sad last year since it was still so raw. This year though, some (not all) might be caught off guard if I have to run outside in tears. I’m still holding out hope that I could be pregnant by the end of the year. Of course it’s only a very slim chance, but I’m holding onto that hope. It’s what keeps me going. (Side bar - Remember in the movie Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carey asks some girl what the chances of a guy like him getting together with a girl like her are – and she says “like 1 in 326 million” and he says “so, you’re telling me there’s a chance?” – that’s kind of what I feel like right now) :) If I’m not pregnant by the new year – I’m just going to hold out hope for 2011. I must keep the hope! I guess that’s about it for now…I could write a lot more, but I don’t want to write a book here in one post. I’ll be thinking about you, all my SHARE friends on Thanksgiving. I hope that you all are able to find some peace on that day. Marco baby, you would have just loved the cute little monkeys in Costa Rica...they were so cool. I bet you would have been able to make a monkey sound by now. I love you my sweet little son. Here’s a picture of one of the monkeys who visited us on the balcony at the hotel…

  • Libby-

    Oh my gosh that picture is so cool!  I also find peace literally being in a peaceful location.  It seems like angels are always around in all the beauty.  I'm thankful you got to get away.

    I will also keep hope for you and your journey to make Marco a big bro.  I felt much of the same going through my second year through the holidays.  I wish I could say it gets easier as the years go by, but as I approach our third year I have the same bittersweet feelings about the days ahead.

    Hugs-

    Lauren

  • Libby~

    What an adorable visitor!!  I'm glad that you enjoyed your trip to Costa Rica.  Sounds like a beautiful place.

    I think that everyone knows that holidays will be tough from now on, but I don't think they understand that...  For me, it's been 7 years and I still have a really hard time with major holidays because I miss Taylor's reaction to things.  I wonder what she would think about things and what she'd add to her Christmas list....  If you find peace---send him my way and I'll offer him/her a Coke.

    Tracy

  • Libby:

    ¡Pura Vida! That is how we are supposed to live.... is a very latin american answer when someone ask you how are you doing or how is going, you answer, pura vida, meaning you have a great, full life..... Glad you enjoyed your trip to Costa Rica.... you should have make a jump to my country Guatemala.....

    I know the feeling of your situation, it also happen to me, when I was so busy i said no I can´t handle a baby now, and when I wanted a baby I couldn´t get pregnant or lost them.... so I learnt that there are things that come unplanned, let the flow take you, great things in life come unexpected and that is the joy of them... when I got pregnant of Ana Valentina, it was such a surprise we didn´t plan to get pregnant as a matter of fact I have lost hope, and we were planning to not be pregnant again permantly..... and here she is our little surprise.....

    Just let the flow take you, don´t think about it.... somehow babies comes in their right time....

    big hug

    Lorena

    P.S. ¿Y practicaste tu español? ..... espero que con tu esposo si lo hayan practicado....

  • I am SO glad that you were able to get away for a bit.  It sounds dreamy:)  I know what you mean about finding some lasting peace.  It's still very much a rollercoaster for me as well.  This time 2 years ago, I was pregnant and I remember it all.  It's just so bittersweet and it will be another round of holidays without our son too.  We took holiday pictures a few weeks ago and it still feels as though someone is missing.  Oh, how life would be so different.  I know that you are missing your l'il Marco.  He is sending you and hubby much love from above.  I hope that you will have your good news if not this year, then in the next.  It is right around the corner and time does seem to be flying cruely by.  I too am holding out for hope that we can complete our family in the future.

    Happy Thanksgiving Libby,

    Lindsay

  • Libby -

    Pura Vida -- yes, yes a lot to earn from the Costa Ricans.  I loved traveling through their country. I remember being happy there too.  Just keep reminding yourself what made you happy "down there"  -- living life fully, with eyes wide open.  Not wanting to miss the next monkey or gorgeous view that might be around the conrer.  It is quite possible for you to keep that pure-life mentaility even at home.  Like you said with your yoga mantra in my email, it's about how we decide to live in our now.  How to deal with our daily experiences.  Breathe.  Remember.  Relax.  You will find that space where you feel balanced again.  The sides of the spectrum don't have to feel so far away from one another.  You can do this.  I know you can.  I love your positive attitude.  It's what I have drawn from you since your first post.  Hang in there.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you too my friend.

    -Zsuzsi

  • 1 of 2 states of minds- i'm right there with you.  it is so overwhelming, frustrating, and exhausting going through all this- and every now and then comes the realization that i'm not living my life, i'm just existing until the next negative or positive.

    and now we are approaching our 2nd thanksgiving and christmas without our boys- it's a blur.

    Hope Hope Hope- i'm still holding on (by a thread).  i love the jim cary quote- it resonates so clearly with me.

    i'll be thinking about you over the holidays, and praying for the gift of life to bless both of us as the new year approaches.

    Jennifer

  • Libby,

    You should NOT be over losing your baby....and we (family) don't think it.  It would be weird if you weren't sad and having the range of emotions that you are having.  YOu are justified.....  I know you are struggling and it hurts to see it.  But also I gather strength from you, seeing what you have been through and continue to go through-and how you keep putting one foot in front of the other, how we still are able to have some fun together!   You are moving through the slime and mud, slime and the slime and the slime and the mud (sound familiar?)  Seriously, I love you and you are a beautiful mommy inside and out.  Marco is with you and all of us.

    I miss seeing the butterflies this time of year.  

    I love you,

    Lisa