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Well! Time is a funny thing. When you are going through a pregnancy - especially a pregnancy after loss - time moves so slowly that it feels like you're walking through molasses. Now that she has arrived, the days are flying. FLYING!! If I had it more together, I could have written about 4 posts by now to process all that has come with this new addition to our family. But I'm sleep deprived and disorganized, etc, etc, and just haven't gotten around to actually sitting down to write.
Annabelle Charlotte was born at 38w 3d on July 3rd weighing in at 6 lbs 5 oz. Overall, things have been going very well. She is healthy and growing. Big sister Lucia, who just turned FOUR (what?!), has adjusted amazingly well. She loves her little sister dearly, and shows it with lots and lots and lots of kisses.
I was hoping that my anxiety would decrease once she was born, but alas it has not. Already having generalized anxiety coupled with sleep deprivation and post-partum hormones seems to be causing the perfect storm inside me right now. I don't remember my anxiety being this bad after I had Lucia, but this time, it's been quite uncomfortable. I am just so afraid of something happening to her. Currently it's surrounding the fact that I've fallen asleep a number of times in the middle of the night while nursing her. I have a fear that she may not be able to breathe and would be without oxygen while I'm sleeping and unaware and that it will cause brain damage. Ick - just writing that out is really hard and scary for me. I am hopeful that time will help. As she gets bigger and interacts more, I know I will feel more confident that she is ok. I am also getting out for walks as much as I can, practicing mindfulness and leaning on my support system for reassurance when needed.
On another note, I saw a rainbow last Thursday, and it was very meaningful. I seriously haven't seen one in years...but last Thursday, after a good summer rain, a huge, beautiful rainbow appeared. Rainbows will always make me think of Marco, but that day it was more special as it was the 6 year anniversary of when we received the terrible news of his poor prognosis. Our world came crashing down that day and then again 7 weeks later when we lost him.
Marco - I know your love was shining in that amazing rainbow last week. It was just what I needed when I needed it. Please continue to watch over your sisters and your anxious mommy - and let's not forget about your daddy, as he has been so strong for us. We love you!
Here are a few pictures of little Annabelle - including one with Lucia (she insisted that Annabelle wear the hat - which Annabelle clearly did not appreciate)
Oh Libby...she's so beautiful, as is big sister Lucia. That rainbow was definitely just for you, so beautiful, so meaningful.
I'm so glad you're aware of your anxiety and letting your support team be there for you. I hope the anxiety eases with time and the growth of your amazing Annabelle.
So much love to you,
Libby, congratulations! She's so cute and snuggly:) Take lots of pics with big sis. I say that because I wish that I took more. I am so glad to hear that everyone is doing well and adjusting. One day at a time. So very meaningful to see that rainbow. Happy belated b-day to Lucia! I was thinking about her as we were celebrating our kiddo over here. Welcome to the world Annabelle!
Lots of love and hugs,
Congratulations!! She is beautiful just like her sister! I am beyond happy for you and your family. I hope you're getting as much rest as you can!
Love and Hugs
Libby -- She is gorgeous! And so is big sister.
Go easy on yourself. Adding another child to the mix when the sibling has been around by themselves for a while is a big adjustment. Kaelin was 2 1/2 when I had Kelsey, and it was exhausting. She demanded the same amount of attention that she had when it was just her, and I couldn't do it.
Life will eventually settle down and you'll figure out a routine and all that good stuff. I am happy to hear that you are taking care of yourself though. I've not experienced what you are with anxiety, post-partum, etc., but I've heard it can be a bit rough. Many hugs to you.
Libby, first- thanks for making me cry. I was feeling numb and you just reminded me that I'm not heartless. I too suffer from anxiety. I have agoraphobia and loss did not make it any better. My irrational fears often consume me. I worry about JJ's every move and sometimes so much that I want to put him in a shadow box and never let him out. Then the rational thought process creeps in. I talk myself thru it and recognize that one loss does not define my entire journey. I tell myself that I can't control everything no matter how hard I try. I remember that if things don't go the way I want them to, that I will be okay. I used to fall asleep when nursing JJ all the time, before I knew about SIDS or anything like it. JJ is going to be 21 in two weeks. I am sure that Annabelle will be okay, but if it really worries you then try walking while nursing during those night time feedings where you are more prone to sleep. You won't fall asleep standing up. Nursing can be so relaxing that it's normal to get sleepy. I am so glad you have a support system. You are such an amazing mother to all three of your babies. Congratulations!!! Annabelle is beautiful!
Congratulations! Don't be so hard on yourself! Hang in there, you are doing just fine. :)
Sending lots and lots and lots of hugs- and smiles!!!
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